Monday, March 8, 2010

One Mistake.

You hear a lot that children make mistakes. I really don't think we make any less as we get older. It's not easy to talk about the things you've screwed up. It's easier to blame them on other people. It's easier to say that you were tired, or that you'd had too much to drink. 

I make mistakes. Often, before they're even made, I can play them in my mind like video tapes. Have you ever tripped? You know that feeling as you're falling? You're thinking, this is gonna hurt and wondering how badly. That's how I feel about making mistakes. You see, lately, I've been screwing up, and I've been screwing up badly. 

It's hard to explain. I'm sitting completely still, but I constantly feel like I'm running. People are desperately chasing after me, they're reaching for me and I see them and more than anything, I want to slow down, I want to stop and reach back, but I can't. There have been so many times when I've been held in someone's embrace, and I wonder as they're holding me, can they feel the cracks? Do they know that I'm broken into tiny pieces, or is that just on the inside?

Over and over, I promise. I smile and say that I'll take care of myself. I nod and agree when they say it'll be different this time, better. These are my mistakes. I can't keep promising I'm going to be happy and I can't keep hearing that things will get better. Promising, hearing - they just make the hours I spend in the bath feel even longer, I become numb to the chill in the water.

You hear a lot that children make mistakes. I think they make only one. Growing up.


  1. "You hear a lot that children make mistakes. I think they make only one; Growing up."

    This is so true. When do we start to lose that enjoyment of everything? It's so sad...

  2. I have no idea. When decisions get harder than crayons or felt tips, when the hardest part of your day isn't not being able to play outside because it's raining anymore. It is sad.