Saturday, March 27, 2010

06 - Whatever tickles your fancy.

So... a few photographs from the last week of my life. Looks pretty fun, but everything is just a hazy blur of moments for me. Monday - drunk. Tuesday - not drunk because I was at home with my mum. Wednesday - drunk. Thursday - drunk. Friday - drunk. It's now the early hours of Saturday morning and guess what? Yup, drunk.

I haven't been to sleep since Wednesday, not for any time longer than half an hour anyway. All I've been doing is getting drunk, stoned and floating. 

I baked pink buns with my friends. In a bucket. We put in bananas, marshmallows, a few Galaxy bars, cocoa powder, nuts... Whatever we found in the house really. Tasted so bad and the mess was HUGE. The next morning was a serious case of, "What were we thinking?".

The rest of the week was a mixture of spinning around the sitting room, trying to find the energy to make it to the shop for Lucozade and Vogue's, telling huge secrets at 4am, lying on the balcony and thinking, "What do I need to do to make this stop?".

I'm just so tired but when I lie in bed, I can't sleep. The others have been falling asleep and I wander around between passed out bodies and wonder why I can't be the same. I mean, how long is it actually possible to stay awake for? Everything hurts at this stage, physically. 

It's kind of odd how deceiving looks can be. They say a picture says a thousand words, but often they're the wrong ones. I think from the outside looking in, it seems like I've had a cool, carefree week. I think I've just realised tonight that somehow, somewhere, my life completely spiraled out of control. I have no idea who I am anymore, and that's scary.

If you don't know who you are, how can anyone else know you? I feel like that. I can't stop pushing people away 'cause I don't know the right things to say. All I know is that I need someone, I need someone strong enough for the push 'cause I'm never going to get out of here by myself. 

Soundtrack for the week... 


  1. Holy shit.

    Yeah, the photos look like fun, but once I read the description of the week I just wanted to go find you, wrap you in a duvet and put you in a bed with a huge glass of water next to you.

    I'm all for getting drunk and getting high and floating, but not back-to-back-to-back-to-back.. THAT, what you did, to me is frightening. I wouldn't even feel like myself anymore if I did that. Please take a step back and chill out a bit - I feel worried for you and I've never even met you.


  2. Thank you for the hug (: And the comment in general. I do appreciate it.

  3. I echo what Magpie said. Just please take care of yourself. Not sleeping over an extended period is never a good thing and it messes with your head in a big way, regardless of whatever else is going on. It'll just make everything else worse and make it more difficult to get back to normal. If you're not able to fix things yourself ask someone for help. Please?

  4. I am getting help, for the sleeping thing etc. Thanks for your comment :]