Thursday, July 29, 2010

Tell me that it's gonna be okay, tell me it's okay now anyway.

Have you ever convinced yourself that your phone was broken? It's easier than believing that no one wants to talk to you, isn't it? Sometimes I just want to know that I do cross someones mind, I need to know that it does matter than I exist. It's the most pathetic thing. I'm always saying to myself in my head, "Oh, you're being so clingy, you're being so stupid" and yeah, I probably am. But that's it, there it is. I desperately need to be needed, and I crazily want to be wanted.

Being by yourself 24/7 is honestly enough to drive anyone insane. It sounds like bliss in the beginning, but when the only person you talk to for days on end is the guy selling you milk in the shop, or someone you bump into accidentally in the street, you really do start to wonder if it'd even be noticed if you dropped off the face of the earth.

I, deep down, know that I do matter to people... and that's why I hate the fact I feel like I need it all to be validated. Why is it not enough for me to just know, why is that not enough?

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Someday I'll pay the bills, we'll have it good, we'll have the life we knew we should.

So... I have of course ended up in a horribly messy place. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a while ago, and it's only now that this is all becoming clear to me.

My huge dips in mood have always been pretty easy to notice, especially since I started writing this blog. Sometimes it actually terrifies when I read over this, and I remember how crazily low I have felt at times and often these lows came as the result of something totally tiny, or maybe one day I just woke up and decided I'd had enough.

The problem with bipolar, for me anyway, is that when I'm not experiencing great depression, I feel like... nothing at all matters, but in a good way. To explain, I have spent hundreds and hundreds of euro which I don't have. I am in some serious debt at the moment. I spent because during times of what is known as 'mania', I seem to have absolutely NO sense. I don't think of consequences.

I will never be able to say how sorry I am. I hate absolutely everything I've done. I can't even think about the pain that I have caused for others. I've no idea how or why I have such amazing friends, and such a perfect boyfriend because I don't deserve any of it. How can anyone ever know what they're gonna get with me? One day I'm so normal, and the next I'm wishing I didn't exist and I'm too scared to talk to anyone about it. I don't want to be a weight on anyones shoulders.

I don't know if this is ever gonna get better, or go away... Probably not. I've had my wake up call though. I can't go on like this. I just hope that everyone knows how much I appreciate their support, and that I don't ever mean to build walls and isolate myself, or make anyone feel that they are being pushed away. To my friend blog stalkers - I love you so much.

<3 Sarah.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Just make it go away now.

Whinge whinge, moan moan, whine whine, the usual.

I'm sick of mood swings. The tiniest of things send me into a downward spiral. I've been in bed pretty much all day today. I am having the most insane low. It's impossible to talk to anyone about it, because while everyone says they understand, they don't. I don't want to be miserable all the time, and I feel so guilty for it.

hbcouwebcbeoubcoec. I can't actually write about this anymore. Get me out of here.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

"Never understood how she could mean so little to so many,

When she means everything to me."

So much <3

Sunday, July 11, 2010

I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this.

Sometimes, I read back over this blog and I hate myself. I hate myself for being so down, so negative. I hate myself for hating myself. I wish I could wake up in the morning and not feel... heavy. That's what I feel like. 'Cause I make excuses for people. Everything is always my fault. I never get angry with anyone. In every situation, I look for something I've done wrong and then I hold myself responsible.

Well, sometimes I did mess up, and sometimes I was wrong. Sometimes I said things I didn't mean and sometimes the mistake was mine alone. It can't all rest on my shoulders though. I didn't fuck up every time. When I say I'm sorry, I really do mean it and right now, right now I'm sorry I didn't stick up for myself more. I'm sorry I let it all build up, I'm sorry I let so many people use me. I'm sorry I'm not the person I thought I was gonna be.

I hate that when I was a kid, I expected everything to be so perfect later on... And it's nothing like that at all. I may have let down a hell of a lot of people, but I could never let down anyone more than I have let down myself. Every single day, I wish I could be somewhere else, doing something else, feeling something different.

I was in hospital a while ago, and the doctor I was seeing said, "Don't worry, Sarah. You can just be a number, so if anyone ever sees your medical history, they won't know about this.". Yeah? Well, I don't want to be just a number. I know that I'm more than my medical history, but it is a part of me and it's a fucking huge part of my life. I'm sick of all of this being treated as if it's something I should be ashamed of.

So things aren't how I thought they'd be. So I had some bad experiences, and I tried to cut them all away. So I ended up pretty sad. Yeah, I did think things would be better if I was dead, and yeah, I did try to make that happen. I fucked up, but so did a lot of other people along the way. I'm sorry I hurt a lot of people, but I'm also sorry I never dealt out any blame to the people who hurt me too.

I didn't get here all by myself, and the only way out of here is to acknowledge that.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I can't think of any words.

It's all goin' off without you.

Isn't this pretty fucking hilarious? Not the video. The fact that when people leave me, they never come back. I need an airport moment. I need someone to need me.

No. I just need someone to stay. Stay.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

And the man with the golden touch thinks he knows so much.

I have been having serious trouble when it comes to blogging lately. The words never seem to sound right to me when I read them back. I couldn't sleep last night, because inside my head is just too noisy. I really need it to stop. Please, please go away.

"Years go by, will I still be waiting?
For somebody else to understand.
Years go by, if I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds, raining in my head.
Years go by, will I choke on my tears?
'Til finally there is nothing is left.
One more casualty, you know we're too easy."

Sometimes I wonder 'why me?'... Not even in a melodramatic way, just did someone think I was strong enough for all of this? I saw a psychiatrist once who said I was extraordinary at dealing with pain. He was so fucking wrong. I wasn't sure if I should laugh then, or cry. So I smiled, and said thanks. People don't like the truth, I think. People like pretty lies, because they're easier to swallow and they don't leave behind a bitter taste.

Once, I met a guy and he looked at me like I was new. It made my heart feel like it was too big for my chest, and there was silence. When he looked at me like that, nothing else really mattered.

I thought not speaking out loud made things less real. Even if every time I closed my eyes, I could replay the moment where everything changed on the back of my eye-lids... If I said nothing, maybe it was just something I'd imagined all along? Why can I still feel the weight of it though?

Once, I met a guy and he looked at me like I was new. Then I came to the realisation that you can't ever be a new person. I'm always going to be criss-crossed with scars, inside and outside. It is never going to get better, only further away.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

You can save me from madness.

I've been trying to write this blog for, oh, about the last three hours. I have this problem with words though. I never think that they are enough. Life is just way too big to ever be held within a few sentences. Life, it overwhelms me. You only get one chance, so what if you say the wrong thing? Words, when spoken, can never be taken back.

It's funny. These words aren't the right ones at all. Pretty song though.