It always comes to get me in the end.

I never in a million years imagined that illness would take over my life, but looking back now, it's so easy to see that it did. I have been finished school for four years and instead of spending those years working towards a degree, I have gradually slipped and fallen victim to my disorder.

I had many moments where I envisioned great things for myself - enrolled myself in courses I never finished, dedicated myself to full time jobs - these were the highs, the mania. My level of impulsiveness is astounding. Combined with a lack of sleep, I've decided I wanted to be a photographer, a make up artist, a teacher. In those hours, everything seemed possible. Sometimes the state of delusion lasted for a few weeks, and I'd embark on whatever particular challenge I had in my head... but of course, nothing was ever completed 'cause eventually there'd come the low.

The depression that has blighted the last number of years has often left me bed bound. I'd suddenly lose interest in the outside world, and just stay in bed and when or if it lifted, well, I always thought that it was too late to try and fix anything.

I don't know how I didn't see my life crashing down around me sooner. I don't know how no one else saw it either. I feel so incredibly guilty. Guilty, because all I ever wanted to do was... everything. I'm just so sorry. I am so, so sorry. If I could make it all better, make myself better, I would. I would do it in a heartbeat.

Part of the beauty of falling in love with you, is the fear you won't fall.

Haven't written a blog in a while now, 'cause I've been keeping myself busy and that's been good. It's weird though. Every time things are okay, or good, I'm happy but before I fall asleep, I think to myself, "How much longer have I got? When will this get screwed up? Am I actually okay now, or is this all fake?" and that drives me crazy. I want it to stop. I want there to be no questions, just acceptance, but I can't have that. My mind doesn't stop.

It's impossible to explain to people too. I feel like every time something bothers me, even if it's something tiny, I can't express it to anyone 'cause they all expect it to be a big deal and I get the impression that it's a case of, "Oh shit, Sarah is in one of her moods again". If someone takes the wrong lane at a roundabout and I decide to have a rant about it, it's not because I am spiraling into a downward depression, I'm just angry. I shouldn't be angry 'cause in the grand scheme of things, it's nothing and I know that but I need everyone else to know that too.

I need people to stop waiting for me to fall again. I need not to be tip-toed around. I'm doing good now, and sure it's hard for me to believe but it'd be a hell of a lot easier if others started believing it first.

Something Vague.

Day 4 - Your Sibling

Dear Kevin,

You are the best little brother I ever could have hoped for. I honestly could not be more proud of you than I already am. I guess I used to be kind of jealous of you... because I'm so completely average, and you're amazing at everything you do, but you really don't even realise how wonderful you are and that's what makes you so special. You put in the work behind the scenes, and I know that and you deserve every little bit of praise and recognition you get. I love you so much.

Sarah :)


Day 29 - The person you want to tell everything to, but too afraid to

Dear you,

I'm not really afraid to tell you anything. What I am afraid of, I guess, is that if I told you how much you mean to me, you'd think I expected all kinds of things from you... and I don't. I'm afraid that you think I need you to 'fix' everything and sometimes that makes talking to you kinda difficult. What I'm afraid of is you not being able to separate me from an illness. Yeah, it's hard to tell you things now 'cause you said you don't understand me... and you do. What you don't understand isn't me, it's so many other things.

I just want you to know that I'll always be here for you, no matter what. And when I say no matter what, it means exactly that. And you are awesome.

Sarah.


Day 7 - Your ex boyfriend/girlfriend

Dear C,

It's probably a bit insane to write a blog/letter to you that you will maybe never read, but here goes! I never knew exactly how sad life was until I met you. I never knew you could go from being such a huge part of someone's life to being... the past. I moved on, and so did you and I don't think either of us got hurt too badly, we just ran our course... but it kills me to think I could ever get that close to someone again and then for it to end. We promised we'd always be friends, and while we still talk every so often, it's pretty meaningless. I wish I was still someone you rang because you'd received good news, and you wanted to share.

I wish I could tell you that I missed being friends without it being weird.

For everything else, thank you. I guess because we were together for quite a long time, we grew up together and so a lot of who I am now is due to you. Sure, I learned how sad life is, but I also learned how truly amazing it is, and I don't think I ever told you that. Thank you isn't enough for that little bit of magic. I'll never forget.

Sarah.

.

So, I haven't self harmed in 23 days now... but to be perfectly honest, the urge to do so now is overwhelming. I got no first round CAO offers and yeah, I am devastated. You see, I don't know how to deal with anything I'm feeling. I don't want to cry, or call someone and have them tell me that it's gonna be alright... I want to punish myself for not being good enough. I want to make it hurt more than it already does.

Or maybe I just want to believe that it is going to be okay, but I can't, and that's the problem, and that's why I hate myself so much. 'Cause nothing is ever enough. When will this get better?

I can't think of an appropriate title!

I usually start to write blogs with pretty much no idea what they're gonna be about, but last night I had a dream and in the dream I said a lot of things to someone that I probably should have said weeks ago, or I dunno, maybe still now, but I always felt like the words were all... wrong.

The words are probably still wrong, but O2's new ad is seriously inspiring. It's all about reaching out to people, and every time I see it on tv, it makes me happy. I'd never fit all of this in a text message though, so hey, have a blog (:

I've been mentioning lately about my trips to Pieta House, both here and in C&H, but I never really talked about the reasons behind them. Obviously yeah, it was because I was self harming... but that's been going on for years and I never did anything about it... but then I met someone who has changed my life in ways he doesn't even know.

I suppose in all of time I self injured, I never really thought about the effects on the people closest to me. It was easy to hide cuts with long sleeves, and with bracelets and if anyone ever did find out... I was so busy being wrapped up in thoughts like, "No one cares anyway", that I dismissed anything they might be feeling, and pushed them away telling them that they could never understand. No one could ever understand me because I never allowed anyone to.

I have come to realise that a lot of relationships in my life, both with family and with friends, have been strained because of me. I'm TERRIFIED of being close to people, and of depending on them. This has obviously been frustrating for anyone who has been trying to help me, and when they stepped back, I could never see that it actually was my own fault.

Anyway, side-tracked! I met someone and he said something to me one day that finally made me open my eyes and see that all along I haven't just been hurting myself, but so many other people too. He said that he felt bad when I self harmed because he wasn't making me happy.

No one had ever said to me before that what I was doing to myself affected them too, and it was a huge shock. I felt awful. I realised that I had to stop. I had to stop for me, but I was never good at doing anything for myself... so I had to stop because knowing that I was hurting other people, and people who I really care about was probably one of the worst feelings ever.

I rang Pieta House the next day. It took me so long to make that phone call. It's hard to explain what self harming had become in my life. I relied on it when I was too scared to rely on anyone else. Imagining my life without it was actually insanely difficult. It's like being addicted to a drug, I think. I depended on it. I've always found dealing with emotion difficult... so I just wrote it on my skin and it brought me a sense of relief, and of calm. It was a release.

I made the phone call though, and I've been seeing the psychiatrist and a very wonderful psychotherapist in Pieta House for the last few weeks. The difference in my life is enormous. I'm sure there is still a long way to go, but now I can see the wood from the trees. I never would have tried to stop self harming if I hadn't met you, John. You have no idea how grateful I am. Thank you.

ndbhnkwcbijnw.

Ramble, ramble, ramble. I am bad at making sense, so I'll just write everything I think and if no one gets it, that's okay 'cause at least I'll have written it and it'll be out there.

I was in Spain for the last five days and I had such an amazing time. I went with four friends of mine, and I am so glad that I did. I'm always that person who has big dreams, and makes so many plans... but then bails on everything, because it's all too much effort, because being by myself seems easier, because I'm just scared that something else will go wrong and what if I don't deal with it or if I can't?

I went to Spain though. A step in the right direction. And when things did go wrong, (my friend, Gary, was attacked one night), I cried. I never cry. I honestly don't remember the last time I cried. I tended to bottle up any kind of sadness I felt, let it weigh me down... or you know, cut myself. But this time, I just cried. And it was good. It was so good. I cried, and Gary and I talked for a while and he promised me that everything was going to be okay, that he was okay... and everything was, and he was. And then I was okay too.

The rest of the holiday was perfect. I did things I never would have done before. I got on rollercoasters. The last time I was in Port Aventura I just excluded myself, out of fear. This time I held on tight, and I closed my eyes and I probably screamed but I did it and that feels so good.

I went out in the middle of the night to swim in the ocean. At first, I said no and then I thought to myself, "You are only here for a few days, and you need to make this count. You need to make good times to remember", so I did. 2am, swimming in the ocean beneath a lightning storm. It was incredible, and I doubt I'll ever forget it.

The few days were also the ultimate bonding experience. I feel closer now to my friends than I think I ever have done. It's pretty special, and I know now that I need to make myself say yes more, I need to do things even when I think it'd be better to stay at home. 'Cause all I've ever had was home alone, catching the stories of adventures I'd missed out on afterwards, and I don't want that anymore.

So, this is all good. I've fucked up, and I've done so many things that I wish I could take back but I just can't. The past is the past though, and this is now and it's new. Even if it isn't always perfect, that's alright. I've accepted things now, maybe? It's been one hell of a ride.

I love you, Niki, Jerome, Gary and Chips. <3 x

:)

Ah, another what will probably be a rather long Sunday night blog entry.

I started on mood stabilisers last week, as I mentioned in a previous blog and I really am feeling a lot better. Have a lot of stuff going on but I'm actually so proud of how I'm dealing with everything. I know if some of these things had happened to me two years ago... and er, maybe last week... I'd be locked away in my room etc. I haven't self harmed in 8 days. Can't believe I'm writing this in a blog, OH GOD! But anyway, yeah. I know that's a short time, and I've stopped for longer periods of time before, but this really is it. There is no going back.

I think I realised in the last while that being mentally ill is always seen in such a negative light, and I've taken a huge bashing for it over the years, been told things like, "Just cheer up" and I've been pushed away by so many people and I just thought, "Why the fuck me? Why am I being punished for this?". Well, I get it now.

I get that I was not always the problem. Yeah, it probably is frustrating to be friends with me sometimes, but ya know what? No one is perfect. I might rapidly circle through moods, and sure, I'll look for the negative before the positive but I always make an effort for the people I love. A huge effort.

So bipolar or not, I'm still me. I'm still just a person who has been trying really hard not to get lost in an illness. I'm still just a girl who likes to watch crime documentaries and then lie in bed totally scared, I'm just a girl who likes to be hugged and I'm just a girl who likes to drive in the rain. It's funny how after so long, I'd forgotten I'm just me. All I ever thought about was how I felt that day, cutting, hiding, medication, doctors, hospitals. I've spoken so much about being ill that being ill became me. And that's not me at all.

I'm happier than I have been in a really long time now, truly. My thanks go to everyone at Pieta House. I would never ever have gotten a diagnosis without these guys, and I probably would never have found the right medication. The therapy opened my eyes too, and it's just like being in a whole new world. I owe my life to each and every one of them.

"I can't shake this bitter feeling."

I have fallen in love with this song over the last few days. Oh, and I think I might be bored with that whole letter thing. Maybe get back to it some other time.

Aaaaaand, other than that, I'm feeling muuuuuch better. Seeing my new therapist has probably been one of the best things I've ever done in my life - no joke. It's early days, but I'm really excited to see how the next few weeks go.

Had a pretty fun day today, after Dar's birthday party last night. We all lay in bed together for hours, and it was nice. I <3 you all.

"Take the pieces, and build them skywards."

Letters 2.

Today is gonna be : "Day 17 - Someone from your childhood", "Day 23 - The last person you kissed" and "Day 8 - Your favourite internet friend".

"Day 17 - Someone from your childhood."

Dear nanny,

Best twelve years ever. Thanks for always looking after me, and for making sure I knew that your home was my home too. Thanks for playing Barbies, and reading books, and colouring pictures. You were amazing, and I miss you so much. x


"Day 23 - The last person you kissed."

Dear you,

You know who you are, and I'm not sure you have any idea how great you are. x


"Day 8 - Your favourite internet friend."

Dear Boards friends,

I can't pick just one 'cause that'd be unfair. I've met some of you, and some of you I haven't, but you are all so lovely, and inspiring, and strong. Thanks for everything, guys, I'm not sure what I'd do without any of you! <3

Love, Sarah (:

Letters.

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favourite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

So, I am going to write letters to the following people. I'm not gonna do it in order, I'm gonna pick numbers out of a hat, and do it randomly. :) Today will be : "Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to", "Day 12 - The person you hate most / caused you a lot of pain" and "Day 2 - Your Crush".


"Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to."

Dear... so many people,

I don't give second chances. It takes a lot for me to trust someone enough to allow myself to like them, and usually I try really hard not to become attached to people, out of complete fear that they're gonna leave and I'll end up getting hurt. So... to those who have hurt me - I gave you one chance and you fucked up and no amount of sorry will ever make it better.

In fact, I'm pretty sick of hearing you apologise over and over. There are no second chances. Goodbye.


"Day 12 - The person you hate most / caused you a lot of pain."

Dear person I hate most,

I never really get angry, but you are an absolute dickhead. I really do hope that some day someone treats you as badly as you treated me, and that you experience even half of the shit you've put me through. You are a horrible person, and knowing that you can live with yourself truly does make me sick. I would tell you how much you disgust me, but I don't want you to know how much you've fucked up my life.


"Day 2 - Your Crush."

Dear Crush,

I think 'crush' is totally silly used in this context.

Sarah.

All I need to write is a bitter song, to make me better.

So, today I am beginning two weeks of intensive out-patient care and I'm feeling pretty positive about it. I have been prescribed a mood stabiliser as well, and while I was trying to be medication free, I think that this is a good thing for me. I'd be much happier if my mood stayed in or around the same continuously, rather than the constant up's and down's. Well, mainly rather than huge dips in mood for the tiniest of reasons.

As I usually end up doing in these blogs, I have to say thank you to the people who've been there for me. I've ended up losing so many friends over the years because I guess they didn't understand, or they just didn't want to... So it means A LOT to me to actually have friends who haven't bailed, no matter how hard the going got. You know who you are :) (And if you don't, and you're reading this, then you more than likely are one of those people!)

<3

"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it."

Okay, this blog is going to be horrible and all xobcoubc, so if you're feeling in any way happy, I say don't read on.

I'm not sure where to begin now. So basically, I shouldn't really drink because I'm absolutely not able to do so and just get a teeny bit drunk, and stay happy. When I get drunk, firstly, I become completely depressed and secondly, I think, "Oh man, I'm so depressed, I should drink more"... So I do, and then I'm an intolerable mess.

And to top it all off, I convince myself (more so than usual) that I'm worthless, and you know when you're out and a guy hits on you or whatever? I start thinking, "If this guy actually knew anything about me... he'd run a fucking mile". And that's true. And that's okay. But it fucks me up.

So last night, my friend was telling me that some guy was interested in me. He wasn't. He was interested in sex, and could I be any more sick of that? No, not really. The thought of a guy I don't even know anywhere near me, never mind in my bed, makes me want to be physically ill. I don't need some stranger to think I'm good enough for one night to get me through the day anymore... So just go away.

I'm totally irrational as well, and I already know that. Maybe that guy was a genuinely nice person. Maybe he thought our five minute balcony conversation was a little bit of something special. I don't know, but I can't be dealing with it. I've turned into one of those people who needs, I dunno, to be properly liked... And that makes me sick too.

This is all just blah blah blah to the story. Last night, I got drunk, horribly so, and decided that no one was ever gonna like me enough to not just fuck me and fuck off. This is so crude, I'm sorry. Then I thought, "Oh hey, it'd be a great idea to cut myself now", so yeah, being drunk and stuff, didn't really feel the pain.

Woke up this morning, realised I'd made a huge mistake. Had to go to a&e and have stitches. I'm pretty much the most stupid person in the whole wide world. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not just a 'normal' person, and I'd give anything for that.

I don't really know what to do now. I thought things were kinda getting better for me, but lately it's all been falling apart again. Tired, I'm so tired. I know I say it all the time, but it's the only word. I'm tired of fucking everything up, and making everyone else sad. I'm tired of being sad myself. I'm tired of not being able to explain. I'm tired of thinking, and of feeling. I'm just so very, very tired and no amount of sleep fixes this kind.

I'm way more than sorry. I can't say it enough. To the people who have to put up with this, well, they don't have to, they just do - I have no idea why you stick around, but know that I'm insanely grateful and someday I'll make things okay... I'll try anyway.