Sunday, May 30, 2010

"I was sure I'd found love with this one lying with me...

After sex, the bitter taste
Been fooled again, the search continues."

I couldn't sleep last night, so I decided to read a book. It didn't have the desired effect. I didn't get to sleep. I ended up getting out of bed and running myself a bath at 4am. I lay in the bath, wondering if any amount of water, any amount of soap, would ever be able to wash away the touches of people. The touches of guys.

I feel physically sick sometimes, when I think of the past. I've been on such a huge mission to self destruct that I've ended up in some of the most dangerous situations, and I've never cared. I'm actually so ashamed of myself, to have allowed myself to be taken advantage of. I have gotten myself horribly drunk, to the point where I don't remember, where hours are just blank gaps in my memory. Then I've come around to find myself in an array of different locations with guys who were mostly complete strangers... And they don't all take 'no' for an answer.

I guess after a while, it's easier to give people what they want. Protesting can be so tiresome.

Always being no one, nothing, being just another girl, that's tiresome too, though. I don't wanna be this person anymore. I wish it was all so easy as to take a bath and watch as it all swirls away, down the drain... But it just isn't. You can fix everything, except the past.

Friday, May 28, 2010

"Don't be frightened of turning the page,

'Cause it is all the same,
It will always be the same."

I feel like I've been going around in circles for the last few years. Taking this medication, talking to that psychiatrist. Same thing over and over, but getting absolutely nowhere. I think there comes a time when people just give up, and fuck, this has got to be it for me. No one could ever say I didn't try, because I did. I tried.

I don't see things getting better, I just don't think that's gonna happen and maybe it'd be a good idea to accept that, to stop hoping for anything else. 'Cause realistically, I'm only setting myself up for the fall.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

I don't know. Every single time I go out, I get drunk and then I get the most overwhelming urge to run, to run as far away as I can. I'm not sure if it's the crowds of people who all seem to be having such a fun time, or if it's the noise, the noise that makes it too hard for me to think. I have found myself so many times wandering down streets in the middle of the night, with absolutely no idea where I was going, just knowing that I needed to be somewhere... somewhere else.

I'm scared of what I'm doing to myself. Turning to people who I know don't actually care about me, but needing them, needing them in that moment just so I don't feel alone. It's completely pathetic. It's pathetic, and I don't really know what I need to do to fix it.

I don't want to write blogs that are filled with sadness, or blogs where I whine and moan. I'm starting to wonder though if that's just who or what I am, if maybe I'm meant to be depressed. What if this isn't an illness, but my whole personality? 'Cause there is no escaping that.

Friday, May 21, 2010

"Might write something I might want to say to you someday,

Might do something I'd be proud of someday,
Mark my words, I might be something someday."

I'm posting in a better mood now. On Sunday, I am gonna be twenty-one. I spent all week thinking about how sad it was that I have nothing to be proud of, that I've been alive for all these years and achieved absolutely nothing. It really got me down.

Last night, I came home from Dublin, and my mood changed. I was surrounded by my family, my neighbours, people I have spent all of my life with and I sort of realised that it's okay that I don't have a degree yet, that I don't have a boyfriend, that I'm not independent.

I do have people in my life who have been there, who have always been there. While I'm not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life, I think I am starting to be proud of myself.

There have been so many bad times, so many times where I really wasn't sure if I wanted to go on anymore and I am glad I did. I'm glad I'm still here. I know being twenty-one isn't gonna make my life any different but I'm really gonna try make this year count.

I hope that this time next year, I can write a blog and say that twenty-one was the best year ever. I'm not gonna say 'no' anymore, I'm not gonna stay in bed when I could be having fun. I'm not gonna push myself too hard to be new, shiny and happy, but I really am gonna make an effort. I am excited about starting college in September, and here's to new friends, new experiences and new feelings.

To my followers, thanks for reading and for your comments. You guys have no idea how much you've helped and I've never said it but I appreciate it so much. Hopefully some happier blogs are coming your way! :) Much love, guys. <3

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

"And I’m not sure what the trouble was that started all of this,

The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did."

I've been really busy lately, busy trying to be positive and optimistic, busy thinking that I'm happy. I'm tired now. I'm tired of everything. I absolutely cannot stand being depressed anymore. It's so torturous.

I've seen so many doctors, I've taken so many anti-depressants, I have talked and talked and I've tried to just not be here anymore. None of it has worked and I'm starting to seriously doubt that this will ever end.

Monday, May 17, 2010

But it's getting harder to take.

"Sad are only those who understand."

This is how I feel. I guess I wonder if happy people just don't 'get it'. Today, I saw my counsellor, like every Monday but today, god, I feel like I've been turned inside out. I've always known that I was pretty melancholy. I am simply not the kind of person who is ever gonna look on the bright side. I think I'll always wonder when the good things will come to an end.

Today, we discussed all sorts of things. We talked about the photographs I take of my grandad - one every single Sunday, and she asked me why do I do it. I do it so that when he isn't there to visit anymore, I'll know that I never, ever missed a Sunday. I can hold all the moments that we spent together in my hands and that way, it won't be possible for him to be too far away.

I'm not sure if it's better to experience a sudden loss, or to know, to know that you're running out of time. I've been thinking a lot lately. I wonder if I'll be the same person, or will I just be a shadow? My grandad has been in my life from the very beginning, I have no idea how I'm supposed to go on without him in it. It's horrible to lose someone you love, it is so horrible, but watching the process in slow motion, and not being able to do anything, that's heart breaking.

I don't understand how anyone could be happy when life is the saddest thing that could happen. All it does is end.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Pull me out from inside, I am ready.

"Did you ever walk through a room that's packed with people, and feel so lonely you can hardly take the next step?

Oh, have I written a blog about this before?! This is kind of different. I'm so lonely. I'm so tired of being alone and I've no idea why, but today the feeling is just overwhelming and I've no idea what I'm supposed to do. I want somebody who I can talk to and more than anything, someone who wants to listen to me talk. There just is nobody  I can reach out to though, so today, this is what's really getting me down. 

I think the up is gradually starting to slip away again. 

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Day 12 - Whatever tickles your fancy.

"I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined our street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

American Beauty, such a good movie.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Don't forget me, don't regret me.

Things that break, I don't think can ever be fixed. A broken bone will heal but you'll always see the fracture in an x-ray. A broken promise lives longer than you could imagine. You break a promise to someone and no matter what they say, they'll always doubt you, they'll always wonder, "Do you mean it this time?". A broken heart, it will never be whole again.

People say you can fix a broken heart with time, but the truth is, you can't. A grazed knee, it'll get better, it might leave a scar, a silvery white pattern to remind you of the fall, but a heart that's been broken, the reminder creeps up on when you least expect it. You don't just remember that kind of fall, you feel it. I read somewhere that you don't need water to feel like you're drowning and it's true, all you need is pain, an ache that nothing can soothe. 

Thursday, May 6, 2010


So, I'm a bit late with this one because it is now the sixth of May, but the fifth, the fifth is my grandad's birthday. He was eighty-five years old, well, yesterday!

I just have to write a blog because although he'll never see this, unless I show him which is unlikely, the world is a better place with him in it so I suppose I had to mark the day.

If I wrote all of things I love about my grandad I think I'd be here forever. He is without a doubt my best friend. I would do absolutely anything to make him happy and I wish there were words bigger than 'thank you' and bigger than 'I love you' because they'll never be enough.

Happy birthday, grandad. <3

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Past.

"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present."

This has been my problem for a long time now. I have very rarely thought about the future. I've been so busy holding on to moments that are long gone. I know I've spent the last few years of my life feeling, well, guilty. I've let things pass me by because I felt that it was unfair, unfair that my life was moving on. 

I could do this blog in typical 'Sarah-style' whereby no one really understands what I'm talking about, but I'm not going to. It's been three years, two months and one day since I had a miscarriage and I think that maybe it's time to let go. 

Letting go doesn't mean forgetting, it doesn't mean I didn't care then or that I don't care now. I'll always remember the weeks of pregnancy - the shock, the terror, the wonder, the love. I know that I'll never forget the pain of loss for as long as live. I think when a woman has a miscarriage, she isn't just grieving for the baby she has lost, she is grieving for the future she'd imagined, the hopes and the dreams. 

It's unexplainably difficult to miss someone you never got the chance to know. When a person dies, there's generally a reason. Illness, old age, an accident. With a miscarriage, there's only a tiny heart that's stopped beating and the words, "This isn't your fault". I'm the sort of person who needs a reason, so "Almost 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage" was never going to be good enough. I always had to ask why, but there was never an answer.

I found it desperately hard to move on. I went back to college but I couldn't take it seriously. I was sat in a lecture on the day that was my expected due date. I hated myself so much. I hated that I was doing something I felt was wrong, and disrespectful. How could I just go about planning a whole new future?

I guess now I'm starting to realise that sometimes the things that happen to us really are out of our control. All we can do is decide whether to sink or swim in the aftermath. 

I think it's okay for me to have new plans now. I don't need to hang on to the past anymore because the parts of the past that matter, they're what make me who I am in the present, and in the future. 

These are my footprints, 
so perfect and so small. 
These tiny footprints,
they never touched the ground at all. 
Not one tiny footprint, 
for now I have wings. 
These tiny footprints were meant 
for other things. 
You will hear my tiny footprints, 
in the patter of the rain. 
Gentle drops like angel's tears, 
of joy and not from pain. 
You will see my tiny footprints, 
in each butterflies' lazy dance. 
I'll let you know I'm with you, 
if you just give me the chance. 
You will see my tiny footprints, 
in the rustle of the leaves. 
I will whisper names into the wind, 
and call each one who grieves. 
Most of all, these tiny footprints, 
are found on Mummy's heart. 
'Cause even though I'm gone now, 
We'll never truly part." 


Monday, May 3, 2010

"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them." 

I always thought I was really independent, enjoyed my own company, but now I'm starting to think that maybe I spend so much of my time alone for one reason only - the fact that it's just easier. I don't have very many friends. I know loads of people, from school and college and work, friends of friends and of course, people on Boards, but I tend to keep everyone at arms length. We can go out together and laugh and we can stay up all night and talk about everything... as long as it means nothing, nothing at all. 

So, I say that I love being by myself and while it can be okay, sometimes I wish I could let more people matter. I wish I wasn't so scared of being left, of being let down, of not being enough.

Day 11 - A photo of you taken recently.

Yeah, I skipped 'Day 10 - A photo of you taken more than 10 years ago'. I don't have a scanner (that works) and well, I just skipped it!

So, me, recently :

What are you supposed to say in this blog? I have no idea.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

It used to be the reason I breathed, but now it's choking me up.

Have a lot going on today, so apologies in advance if this blog is a complete mess! :]

I was getting ready to go out today when I got a text message from Darragh, my best friend, telling me that a friend of ours was admitted to hospital, following a 'break down'.  He asked me did I want to go and visit and her and as I texted back with a "No", I unexpectedly found myself... well, angry. 

I feel like a terrible person, insensitive, but the truth is, I was never able to relate to this girl, I could never symapthise with her. To be honest, I don't speak about my past, my feelings, or my depression with my friends, or with anyone really, other than Catherine, my counsellor and here, in this blog. It's not that I'm ashamed. I'm not. I just don't want it to make a difference. I don't want people to worry about me, to treat me differently, to feel there are things they can't say to me. 

This girl though, she openly and often jokingly, spoke about things that cut me a little too close to the bone. She asked me once could she take some of my anti-depressants 'cause she wanted to be more "zoned out" like I am. I'm not "zoned out" by any means. I'm just a quiet person in situations where I feel uncomfortable. She made me uncomfortable. 

I dunno. I guess I just thought, "A break down? Wouldn't it be so easy for any of us to just decide 'Fuck this', I couldn't be bothered anymore". Maybe it's hypocritical of me. I mean, I'm the one with a couple of suicide attempts under my belt, but I could have a break down any day. I don't though. I don't because I don't feel like I deserve the attention. 

I think the majority of people have days where they wish they could say, "You know what? I'm not going to work, I'm not going to get out of bed or take a shower or do anything. I'm just gonna lie here". But they don't. They get up, they do what has to be done. As I always say, "That's life". Sure, it can pretty miserable, but you can either get up and work through it, or 'break down'. 

There's no point in quitting though. I found out the hard way that it'll only really affect you, in the long-run. You don't go to work, you don't get paid. You sit around feeling sorry for yourself. You won't be missed, no matter what you think. You will be replaced, and someone else will be able to do what you did, maybe even better than you. 

Lying in bed all day because you are miserable only serves one purpose and that is to make you even more miserable. That's why we don't all 'break down'. We can't. We'd get lost. Life would move on and we'd be left behind. That's all that'd happen. I think maybe I see a break down as just an easy way out. Harsh? Yup. 

Today I also realised that I've been a grown up for as long as I can remember. My first memory, my earliest, is of being at home with my dad one day when he collapsed and had a seizure on the kitchen floor. I was about three years old. I wrapped him up in my 'My Little Pony' duvet and sat rubbing his face 'til someone else came, someone who actually knew what to do.

I have spent my entire life taking care of people who were meant to be taking care of me. I've always worried. I've worried about my dad. It's weird the things that become routine. I make sure to always stand close enough to him to be able to cushion a fall, should he collapse. People have said I seem to have a sixth sense for seizures. I think I've watched my dad so closely over the years that I just know when he's not okay. 

I've worried about my mum. Even when I was really young, I felt I could never share any of my problems with her. I was scared I'd upset her, and I wanted to protect her as much as I could. I learned to lie probably as soon as I could talk, always saying I was okay, that everything was fine. 

I've worried about my grandparents. Once, in school, someone said to me, "Grandparents die, just because they are really old". I was probably only five or six at the time but every night after that I'd fall asleep thinking, "What if granny and grandad don't wake up because they're old?".

I just wondered today, did I miss out? I'm not sad if I did, not now anyway. I'm sad maybe for myself as a little girl. I think I'd have liked to play on the roundabout at the playground, or watched some cartoons. I think it would have been nice if there was a time when I didn't think, "I can't do X or Y because I need make sure my mum/dad/granny/grandad (delete as applicable) is okay". 

This blog is so huge, I'm gonna stop now. 

It's only wishful thinking.

Another "I can't sleep so I'll vent online" blog.

Over two weeks medication free now. Had a bad week initially, then I had a really good week (by my standards anyway!) and now, now I'm not too sure. On Monday I saw my doctor. I told him I wasn't gonna take anti-depressants anymore, but that I still needed a sleeping pill prescription. I'm a terrible sleeper. 3am, 4am, 5am, 6am, I'm always awake.

Being awake when the rest of the world is sleeping, god, I think it's one of the worst things. From my window, I watch as the lights in all the other apartments go off. It's really lonely. It's really hard not to feel like you just wish you weren't here. 

My doctor said he was worried that I'm becoming dependent on sleeping tablets. Of course I am! I've tried sleeping unaided. I just lie in the dark becoming increasingly frustrated. I understand why he is concerned. The last time he gave me my months supply, I took 'em all in one go. 

My counsellor has been urging me to write a blog about what we refer to as, 'The Mater incident'. I've been really hesitant because, I dunno, it's not exactly the kind of thing you want people to know about you. I think a lot of people would see me as being really carefree, laid-back, determined, strong. None of that is true at all. 

'The Mater incident'. It was a Thursday morning, in March. I hadn't slept in quite a while. I decided I'd take a bath. I hadn't been a self-harmer in a good few months, but I found myself smashing a razor, to get the blades out. I can't have been thinking straight. I cut myself over and over and then I felt like I was right back where I used to be. 

The water must have been cold for a long time before I noticed. I drank a litre of vodka. I didn't have anything to mix it with, but there was mouthwash on a shelf by the bath so I figured that'd do the trick. 

A friend of mine at the time began ringing me then and I remember thinking, "Please leave me alone". I got into bed and inside my pillow case, I had 28 Zimovane. So I took them. Washing them down with Peach Schnapps. I honestly did not care what happened. I was hoping I could sleep. Just sleep. 

It didn't work out like that though. I don't remember what happened next. Apparently I was conscious for some of the trip to the hospital but I don't remember ever being in an ambulance. I can't picture the paramedics, if I was put in the room I was in in the hospital now, I'd think it was my first time being there. 

When there was talk of me being admitted to the psychiatric unit, I did the very last thing I should have done. I mustered up whatever strength I could find, and left. I walked out. There I was, on the street, in pyjamas, and only somewhat alert. I think deep down I sort of hoped someone would say, "Sarah, you don't have a choice here, you need to get better", but no one did. So I went home. 

Now I get sleeping pills dispensed four at a time. The lady in the chemist doesn't tell me how to take them anymore. In fact, she says, "Oh hi, I have your tablets ready for you!". I know that she's being sweet but it makes me feel terrible. I leave wondering how did I become someone who can't be trusted, is it always going to be like this, what do I have to do to not be on first name terms with the local pharmacist, lovely and all as she is. 

I have been feeling better lately, a lot better, but the truth is, no matter what, the battle is still on-going. It's funny that I'm feeling pretty okay now, but I can't stop worrying about the next time. Everything in my life is touched by sadness, even my happiness. 'Cause I know it's only a matter of time before it comes to an end. 

The song I've been listening to on repeat while writing this blog :