Thursday, October 28, 2010

Yes, I have moved too.

I wanted to be able to write blogs I could password protect so that only certain people read 'em, and you can't do that here... so I've followed everyone else to Wordpress. (:

Saturday, October 16, 2010


S'funny - only four posts in September. Every week, I go to therapy. I know, I know, it's like my little secret, the way some people like, I dunno, listening to Britney Spears when they're alone. I like having that hour, so I can say whatever the hell I want and it's out there and that makes things okay, 'cause I said it so everything isn't all big inside my head.

Anyway, every week, my therapist... ugh, 'therapist', asks me what have I blogged about and lately it's just been, "Nothing". I'm not blogging 'cause I don't know what to say. I'm not blogging because the truth is, I can't deal with strangers knowing things about me that I didn't even really want anyone to know.

In the beginning, it seemed like a good idea. I was able to get all of this stuff out that was bothering me, and people were crazy supportive and it was fine. It's still fine. People read, whatever, and they know and they form their opinions... But it was when it kinda hit me that certain people were reading this blog, and talking about it... Not to me, but to others... Well, that bugged me. I'm not gonna pretend it didn't.

I'm just human, like everyone else and yeah, that kinda shit gets me. It upsets me.

I'm not gonna say I'm never gonna blog here ever again, 'cause who knows? Maybe I'll be back tomorrow! But just for the record, I didn't run outta words, I just ran outta strength and I got tired pretending I didn't know what was going on.

Most people who read this probably won't have a clue what this is about, but I'm guessing a few will know exactly and... I'm not too sure what is appropriate to say to those people. So... yeah.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

I believe in miracles.

Neglecting this blog lately. Guess I have nothing to whinge about! :)

Next week, I properly start in college, after the huge mess that was my CAO. I'm excited. It's been a pretty long time since I had a real reason to get up in the mornings, so I can't wait for that. I'm gonna do my very best this year, for me, but for my mum too. I wanna make her proud. I know the last four years have been awful for her, worrying about the lack of direction in my life and stuff, and I really want to make her believe that everything is okay now.

I'm the happiest I've been probably ever. I used to get insanely down over the tiniest things, and I just don't anymore. Life's too short. Concentrate on the smiles, on the good.

Hmm, don't think I have anything else to say. Hope everyone is doing good. <3

Friday, September 17, 2010


Day 18 - The person you wish you could be.

Y'know I'm not wishing I was someone else right now. I might wish I'd done some things differently in the past... but it's all over and done with now and it's okay. I'm pretty good being the person that I am. I don't wish I was better, I know I'm working on it and that's enough.

Dear me,
You're doing all right.
Eh... From me.

Day 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to.

I remember this one. It was with my friend, Ussher. I pinky promised that if he went into McDonald's to buy ice cream, I wouldn't drive away. (I once jokingly drove off, leaving him on a deserted road by himself, ya see. It was only for about two minutes, and I thought it was HILARIOUS. He didn't! A car drove by him while I was gone and he jumped into a ditch 'cause he was so scared, BAHAHAHA. <3)

Dear Ussher,
You are very awesome. Bestest River Island friend ever. I miss our over the radio banter and Tesco trips after working the closing shift. I can't believe we're grown up's now, it's a little bit scary. Love you, 'Sophie' :)
From me.

Day 30 - Your reflection in the mirror.

I dunno. I try not to think 'bout it.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

"Every life is a story, make yours a best seller."

It's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay.

I need to keep telling myself that. I am okay. When I woke up this morning, I felt sad. I used to wake up feeling like that a lot. Unmotivated, wishing I hadn't woken up at all, willing myself just to go back to sleep 'cause I couldn't see the point of moving, of being alive.

There is a point. There is. Today is a new day and I could stay in bed all day and feel miserable, but I don't want my life to be like that. I've had enough of that. No more. Depression is something that doesn't want you to get better, that's what I've been told. I'm gonna be better though, I'm gonna look back on my life some day and know that while it wasn't always perfect, I did my best.

The past is over, and yeah, it matters but what matters more is now. The past is not going to affect my now anymore. :)

Let go. Make these moments happy and then they'll be the ones that count.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

"I am on the mend, At least now I can say that I am trying."

So... life is pretty good at the moment. I guess I only write when things aren't okay. I think this place I'm at now is the best I've had it in years. Actual years. I'm really proud, to be honest. A few months ago, I didn't see an end. I'd given up. It's crushingly tiring to have an undiagnosed psychiatric condition. I spent so long trying to convince myself I was over-reacting to things, and then becoming frustrated 'cause I just knew that it wasn't me, I knew something was wrong.

Bi-polar is so hard to diagnose, so I can't lay the blame on any of the doctors I have seen. At this stage, I'm only thankful. Yeah, it took a long time, but hey, got there in the end. I'm finally on medication that works for me, and seeing a therapist who doesn't wanna force me to talk about 'issues'. She's perfectly happy to set me tasks to keep me occupied and do stupid things like chalk drawings but... well, I'm just happier.

I know that this is for life, that maybe next week I won't feel so great but I think I'll be a hell of a lot better from now on. It's the best feeling ever. I can't remember the last time I was content like I am now.

<3 :)

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

It always comes to get me in the end.

I never in a million years imagined that illness would take over my life, but looking back now, it's so easy to see that it did. I have been finished school for four years and instead of spending those years working towards a degree, I have gradually slipped and fallen victim to my disorder.

I had many moments where I envisioned great things for myself - enrolled myself in courses I never finished, dedicated myself to full time jobs - these were the highs, the mania. My level of impulsiveness is astounding. Combined with a lack of sleep, I've decided I wanted to be a photographer, a make up artist, a teacher. In those hours, everything seemed possible. Sometimes the state of delusion lasted for a few weeks, and I'd embark on whatever particular challenge I had in my head... but of course, nothing was ever completed 'cause eventually there'd come the low.

The depression that has blighted the last number of years has often left me bed bound. I'd suddenly lose interest in the outside world, and just stay in bed and when or if it lifted, well, I always thought that it was too late to try and fix anything.

I don't know how I didn't see my life crashing down around me sooner. I don't know how no one else saw it either. I feel so incredibly guilty. Guilty, because all I ever wanted to do was... everything. I'm just so sorry. I am so, so sorry. If I could make it all better, make myself better, I would. I would do it in a heartbeat.