Okay, this blog is going to be horrible and all xobcoubc, so if you're feeling in any way happy, I say don't read on.
I'm not sure where to begin now. So basically, I shouldn't really drink because I'm absolutely not able to do so and just get a teeny bit drunk, and stay happy. When I get drunk, firstly, I become completely depressed and secondly, I think, "Oh man, I'm so depressed, I should drink more"... So I do, and then I'm an intolerable mess.
And to top it all off, I convince myself (more so than usual) that I'm worthless, and you know when you're out and a guy hits on you or whatever? I start thinking, "If this guy actually knew anything about me... he'd run a fucking mile". And that's true. And that's okay. But it fucks me up.
So last night, my friend was telling me that some guy was interested in me. He wasn't. He was interested in sex, and could I be any more sick of that? No, not really. The thought of a guy I don't even know anywhere near me, never mind in my bed, makes me want to be physically ill. I don't need some stranger to think I'm good enough for one night to get me through the day anymore... So just go away.
I'm totally irrational as well, and I already know that. Maybe that guy was a genuinely nice person. Maybe he thought our five minute balcony conversation was a little bit of something special. I don't know, but I can't be dealing with it. I've turned into one of those people who needs, I dunno, to be properly liked... And that makes me sick too.
This is all just blah blah blah to the story. Last night, I got drunk, horribly so, and decided that no one was ever gonna like me enough to not just fuck me and fuck off. This is so crude, I'm sorry. Then I thought, "Oh hey, it'd be a great idea to cut myself now", so yeah, being drunk and stuff, didn't really feel the pain.
Woke up this morning, realised I'd made a huge mistake. Had to go to a&e and have stitches. I'm pretty much the most stupid person in the whole wide world. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not just a 'normal' person, and I'd give anything for that.
I don't really know what to do now. I thought things were kinda getting better for me, but lately it's all been falling apart again. Tired, I'm so tired. I know I say it all the time, but it's the only word. I'm tired of fucking everything up, and making everyone else sad. I'm tired of being sad myself. I'm tired of not being able to explain. I'm tired of thinking, and of feeling. I'm just so very, very tired and no amount of sleep fixes this kind.
I'm way more than sorry. I can't say it enough. To the people who have to put up with this, well, they don't have to, they just do - I have no idea why you stick around, but know that I'm insanely grateful and someday I'll make things okay... I'll try anyway.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I get that tiredness. It has nothing to do with sleep. It's just a deep, deep feeling of...being done.
ReplyDeleteBut don't give up.
You've learned. All of these experiences are to be learned from. Seriously. Just look at how you felt and what happened and how you reacted annnd I sound like a self help book.
Don't let the times you fall down define you.
Learn from them. Take them as the inevitable downs in an otherwise upward...up?!
Don't let those little times take over. Just concentrate on the positive, and work on making yourself better and feeling better.
I believe in you x
Maybe he wouldn't,think of it that way.
ReplyDeleteLet the little things go,it was one moment on one drunken night,everyone regrets those,don't focus on it.
I get that tiredness,it's hard work, a lot of people don't quite get that.
Don't go doing anything we'd regret ;)
It's impossible to be on a straight road to recovery all the time. There will be downs, but it's how you handle each down that matters. Know that you have come so far, that this is only a minor blip, that life can't be perfect all the time and we have to learn how to deal with the shit stuff.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel - every single bit of it. It's scary how every word you wrote might aswell have come out of my mouth :) Even the experiences - I was in that exact same position a few months ago.
I've given up alcohol - I don't know if it's something you want to do but for me, it's made a difference. I get so much worse when I drink, I ended up hurting myself and others and it all just turns into a big fat mess. Since I've stopped drinking, I can control my life. I don't wake up in the morning overwhelmed with shame and guilt and that's good for me right now. I'm not saying I'll stay sober forever but for now, I need to.
I believe in you. I believe that you can pick yourself up again. And if you stay in this rut for weeks or months, I still believe that you'll come out of it. You're stronger than you think you are.
Much <3333333333333333333333