Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Ramble, ramble, ramble. I am bad at making sense, so I'll just write everything I think and if no one gets it, that's okay 'cause at least I'll have written it and it'll be out there.

I was in Spain for the last five days and I had such an amazing time. I went with four friends of mine, and I am so glad that I did. I'm always that person who has big dreams, and makes so many plans... but then bails on everything, because it's all too much effort, because being by myself seems easier, because I'm just scared that something else will go wrong and what if I don't deal with it or if I can't?

I went to Spain though. A step in the right direction. And when things did go wrong, (my friend, Gary, was attacked one night), I cried. I never cry. I honestly don't remember the last time I cried. I tended to bottle up any kind of sadness I felt, let it weigh me down... or you know, cut myself. But this time, I just cried. And it was good. It was so good. I cried, and Gary and I talked for a while and he promised me that everything was going to be okay, that he was okay... and everything was, and he was. And then I was okay too.

The rest of the holiday was perfect. I did things I never would have done before. I got on rollercoasters. The last time I was in Port Aventura I just excluded myself, out of fear. This time I held on tight, and I closed my eyes and I probably screamed but I did it and that feels so good.

I went out in the middle of the night to swim in the ocean. At first, I said no and then I thought to myself, "You are only here for a few days, and you need to make this count. You need to make good times to remember", so I did. 2am, swimming in the ocean beneath a lightning storm. It was incredible, and I doubt I'll ever forget it.

The few days were also the ultimate bonding experience. I feel closer now to my friends than I think I ever have done. It's pretty special, and I know now that I need to make myself say yes more, I need to do things even when I think it'd be better to stay at home. 'Cause all I've ever had was home alone, catching the stories of adventures I'd missed out on afterwards, and I don't want that anymore.

So, this is all good. I've fucked up, and I've done so many things that I wish I could take back but I just can't. The past is the past though, and this is now and it's new. Even if it isn't always perfect, that's alright. I've accepted things now, maybe? It's been one hell of a ride.

I love you, Niki, Jerome, Gary and Chips. <3 x