Sunday, August 8, 2010


Ah, another what will probably be a rather long Sunday night blog entry.

I started on mood stabilisers last week, as I mentioned in a previous blog and I really am feeling a lot better. Have a lot of stuff going on but I'm actually so proud of how I'm dealing with everything. I know if some of these things had happened to me two years ago... and er, maybe last week... I'd be locked away in my room etc. I haven't self harmed in 8 days. Can't believe I'm writing this in a blog, OH GOD! But anyway, yeah. I know that's a short time, and I've stopped for longer periods of time before, but this really is it. There is no going back.

I think I realised in the last while that being mentally ill is always seen in such a negative light, and I've taken a huge bashing for it over the years, been told things like, "Just cheer up" and I've been pushed away by so many people and I just thought, "Why the fuck me? Why am I being punished for this?". Well, I get it now.

I get that I was not always the problem. Yeah, it probably is frustrating to be friends with me sometimes, but ya know what? No one is perfect. I might rapidly circle through moods, and sure, I'll look for the negative before the positive but I always make an effort for the people I love. A huge effort.

So bipolar or not, I'm still me. I'm still just a person who has been trying really hard not to get lost in an illness. I'm still just a girl who likes to watch crime documentaries and then lie in bed totally scared, I'm just a girl who likes to be hugged and I'm just a girl who likes to drive in the rain. It's funny how after so long, I'd forgotten I'm just me. All I ever thought about was how I felt that day, cutting, hiding, medication, doctors, hospitals. I've spoken so much about being ill that being ill became me. And that's not me at all.

I'm happier than I have been in a really long time now, truly. My thanks go to everyone at Pieta House. I would never ever have gotten a diagnosis without these guys, and I probably would never have found the right medication. The therapy opened my eyes too, and it's just like being in a whole new world. I owe my life to each and every one of them.


  1. I'm so glad you're feeling better. I self-harmed a long time ago and now the scars are both a bitter reminder of a bad time and a proud badge of survival.

    I don't think I could have got through that time without it, but I haven't done it in years. feel much stronger and more capable now, although I still have my wobbly moments! It really REALLY helped me at the time - it was like a release valve for pressures and situations that were just too much for me.

    I hope that you can find a better way to channel that feeling of panic and pain in the future. I'm so happy for you that you're getting a clear perspective on things and seeing that things are NOT all your fault!

    Hope it keeps going well!

  2. Thank you so much for your support, seriously! I just want to hug you sometimes! You have no idea how much it means to me :)

    I have found loads of new ways to vent pent up emotion, so it's all good.


  3. Yay!

    Go Sarah! Delighted for you :)

    You are an awesome awesome person and sickness does not define you in any way :)


  4. My sister goes to pieta and its always nice to see peoples lives changed for the better because of that place.It takes a lot to get where you are now,you should be very proud of yourself :) well done

  5. Thank you both loads and loads <3