I usually start to write blogs with pretty much no idea what they're gonna be about, but last night I had a dream and in the dream I said a lot of things to someone that I probably should have said weeks ago, or I dunno, maybe still now, but I always felt like the words were all... wrong.
The words are probably still wrong, but O2's new ad is seriously inspiring. It's all about reaching out to people, and every time I see it on tv, it makes me happy. I'd never fit all of this in a text message though, so hey, have a blog (:
I've been mentioning lately about my trips to Pieta House, both here and in C&H, but I never really talked about the reasons behind them. Obviously yeah, it was because I was self harming... but that's been going on for years and I never did anything about it... but then I met someone who has changed my life in ways he doesn't even know.
I suppose in all of time I self injured, I never really thought about the effects on the people closest to me. It was easy to hide cuts with long sleeves, and with bracelets and if anyone ever did find out... I was so busy being wrapped up in thoughts like, "No one cares anyway", that I dismissed anything they might be feeling, and pushed them away telling them that they could never understand. No one could ever understand me because I never allowed anyone to.
I have come to realise that a lot of relationships in my life, both with family and with friends, have been strained because of me. I'm TERRIFIED of being close to people, and of depending on them. This has obviously been frustrating for anyone who has been trying to help me, and when they stepped back, I could never see that it actually was my own fault.
Anyway, side-tracked! I met someone and he said something to me one day that finally made me open my eyes and see that all along I haven't just been hurting myself, but so many other people too. He said that he felt bad when I self harmed because he wasn't making me happy.
No one had ever said to me before that what I was doing to myself affected them too, and it was a huge shock. I felt awful. I realised that I had to stop. I had to stop for me, but I was never good at doing anything for myself... so I had to stop because knowing that I was hurting other people, and people who I really care about was probably one of the worst feelings ever.
I rang Pieta House the next day. It took me so long to make that phone call. It's hard to explain what self harming had become in my life. I relied on it when I was too scared to rely on anyone else. Imagining my life without it was actually insanely difficult. It's like being addicted to a drug, I think. I depended on it. I've always found dealing with emotion difficult... so I just wrote it on my skin and it brought me a sense of relief, and of calm. It was a release.
I made the phone call though, and I've been seeing the psychiatrist and a very wonderful psychotherapist in Pieta House for the last few weeks. The difference in my life is enormous. I'm sure there is still a long way to go, but now I can see the wood from the trees. I never would have tried to stop self harming if I hadn't met you, John. You have no idea how grateful I am. Thank you.