Tuesday, August 31, 2010

It always comes to get me in the end.

I never in a million years imagined that illness would take over my life, but looking back now, it's so easy to see that it did. I have been finished school for four years and instead of spending those years working towards a degree, I have gradually slipped and fallen victim to my disorder.

I had many moments where I envisioned great things for myself - enrolled myself in courses I never finished, dedicated myself to full time jobs - these were the highs, the mania. My level of impulsiveness is astounding. Combined with a lack of sleep, I've decided I wanted to be a photographer, a make up artist, a teacher. In those hours, everything seemed possible. Sometimes the state of delusion lasted for a few weeks, and I'd embark on whatever particular challenge I had in my head... but of course, nothing was ever completed 'cause eventually there'd come the low.

The depression that has blighted the last number of years has often left me bed bound. I'd suddenly lose interest in the outside world, and just stay in bed and when or if it lifted, well, I always thought that it was too late to try and fix anything.

I don't know how I didn't see my life crashing down around me sooner. I don't know how no one else saw it either. I feel so incredibly guilty. Guilty, because all I ever wanted to do was... everything. I'm just so sorry. I am so, so sorry. If I could make it all better, make myself better, I would. I would do it in a heartbeat.


  1. Don't feel guilty. You're doing good now, you should feel proud! There's nothing for you to feel guilty about - your illness grabbed you by the ankles and yanked hard. You couldn't see it when it happened and it made you fall countless times, but you picked yourself up every time and now you've realised what was going on all along, you'll be more prepared next time the troll tries to grab you from under the bridge!

  2. You're not a failure,you're still alive you can still start again.Keep your chin up,it's like I used to say;
    "Unless your dead, your not failing life"

    keep your chin up and your head down.You could be president if you wanted, I know you could

  3. Hey I just wanted to tell you how I think you're so brave even to just write this! I've felt exactly the same as you many times and espeicially recently as my depression has come back pretty bad lately. But I enver talk to anyone about it except my doctor and my old councellor. My friends just dont understand. I tried to talk to them and they called me negative and dramatic so I've just been keeping a distance from them cause I dont think its fair for them to have to be around me while I'm like this, I dont want to bring them down too. But then it just leaves me lonely and isolated and more depressed! I'd love to be able to be so open about my illness, but I'm scared of what people will think and how they will treat me if they knew the truth