Wednesday, June 2, 2010

"I have to face the truth,

That no one could ever look at me like you do,
Like I'm something worth holding on to.

'Cause you can do better than me,
But I can't do better than you."

I'm kind of beginning to get weirded out writing this blog now. I think it's sort of strange that I have some of my best kept secrets posted on the internet for anyone to read. I've always been a perfectionist. I was always good in school. I liked to be top of the class. I'm that organised person, who likes to colour code things and can't stand messes. Second best was never good enough. Second best isn't good at all. 

I've tended to keep all of my problems under wraps, from my family and from my friends because the idea of being seen as weak, the thought of not living up to that 'perfect' expectation, I can't bear it. I'm the strong one, I'm the strong one but really, I'm just good at pretending.

I suppose from my latest blog entries, it's pretty obvious that the mood hasn't been great to say the least. I have fallen back into a pattern of self harm somehow, and my few weeks medication free, well, who was I kidding? 

I also seem to have distanced myself from all of my friends. I just can't find the motivation to get out of bed, or to be honest, to care about the most ridiculous gossip. I feel like the friends I have don't know me at all. One of them texted me on Monday night, and I didn't reply because I was having a really rubbish day. The next morning he texted me to blame me for some guy getting clamped because I didn't reply and he had needed the fob to open the car-park. Of course he'd only texted me because he'd needed something. Just ugh.

I know I can't give up and all that stuff, I know, but it shouldn't be this hard. 


  1. "I know I can't give up and all that stuff, I know, but it shouldn't be this hard."

    ^This, exactly.

    I hate that it IS so hard but I believe anyone can get better, especially you. There are slip ups in recovery, we can't move up all the time so don't yourself up about self harming or feeling down. I think it's great you can even admit those things, I'm finding it hard to tell people that I'm not doing great, since they all think I'm getting better.

    It's just not that straightforward.

    Keep on trooping, tomorrow might be better <3

  2. wow,you're so open,I know exactly what it's like to be getting there and slip right back to where you were.Keep your chin up.

    And please keep writing,I love getting to know you,even though we'll probably never meet.

    Less than three's for getting back up on the horse you fell off.

    P.S: I owe you a hug at some point

  3. So much <3 for you guys.

    And hey, we could meet if you'd sort out that C&H roadtrip! :P