Sunday, May 30, 2010

"I was sure I'd found love with this one lying with me...

After sex, the bitter taste
Been fooled again, the search continues."

I couldn't sleep last night, so I decided to read a book. It didn't have the desired effect. I didn't get to sleep. I ended up getting out of bed and running myself a bath at 4am. I lay in the bath, wondering if any amount of water, any amount of soap, would ever be able to wash away the touches of people. The touches of guys.

I feel physically sick sometimes, when I think of the past. I've been on such a huge mission to self destruct that I've ended up in some of the most dangerous situations, and I've never cared. I'm actually so ashamed of myself, to have allowed myself to be taken advantage of. I have gotten myself horribly drunk, to the point where I don't remember, where hours are just blank gaps in my memory. Then I've come around to find myself in an array of different locations with guys who were mostly complete strangers... And they don't all take 'no' for an answer.

I guess after a while, it's easier to give people what they want. Protesting can be so tiresome.

Always being no one, nothing, being just another girl, that's tiresome too, though. I don't wanna be this person anymore. I wish it was all so easy as to take a bath and watch as it all swirls away, down the drain... But it just isn't. You can fix everything, except the past.


  1. I can relate to this a lot <3

    I've had pretty much the same experiences. Times when I've tried to say no, but in the end it was too much effort. It was just another method of hurting myself.

    So much <3 for you.

  2. You can't fix the past but you can change your future. The things that make you feel dirty now will make you feel stronger later. At least, that's what happens to me. I now know exactly what I WON'T do, what I WON'T stand for. Before I was young and easily manipulated, afraid to say no and had no self esteem. All my bad experiences taught me I think I'm worth more than that.

    So are you.

  3. "You can fix everything, except the past. "
    then just focus on fixing the future.

    Don't lose hope,not all guys are assholes and you'll be someone's whole world one day.

    Less than three's for keeping going where so many weren't able to,you really are inspiring

  4. The past is the hardest thing to deal with. I find that it's so much more potent than the present, as is the future. Memories can be so haunting, regrets can linger beyond what you even imagined possible.

    You can't change the past, but you can change the future and where you're going. You have power. I was watching Bruce Almighty the other night and I was really down about stuff, and God was saying to Bruce "people are always asking me to fix everything for them, and what they don't realise is, they have the power." It just helped me so much, I hope it has a bit of an impact on you. You're an incredibly strong person, try to focus on the things you have control over and the possibility of the future. You're going to be okay. :)