"Sad are only those who understand."
This is how I feel. I guess I wonder if happy people just don't 'get it'. Today, I saw my counsellor, like every Monday but today, god, I feel like I've been turned inside out. I've always known that I was pretty melancholy. I am simply not the kind of person who is ever gonna look on the bright side. I think I'll always wonder when the good things will come to an end.
Today, we discussed all sorts of things. We talked about the photographs I take of my grandad - one every single Sunday, and she asked me why do I do it. I do it so that when he isn't there to visit anymore, I'll know that I never, ever missed a Sunday. I can hold all the moments that we spent together in my hands and that way, it won't be possible for him to be too far away.
I'm not sure if it's better to experience a sudden loss, or to know, to know that you're running out of time. I've been thinking a lot lately. I wonder if I'll be the same person, or will I just be a shadow? My grandad has been in my life from the very beginning, I have no idea how I'm supposed to go on without him in it. It's horrible to lose someone you love, it is so horrible, but watching the process in slow motion, and not being able to do anything, that's heart breaking.
I don't understand how anyone could be happy when life is the saddest thing that could happen. All it does is end.
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Sometimes I look around me at the people passing by and I wonder if they ever feel the complete PANIC I feel about living. I feel like life is so short, like it's just hurtling along and before I know it I'll be fifty... I see people who are forty in boring jobs and I wonder how they do it. Is that really what they wanted from life?
ReplyDeleteGod it's awful.
And I think a sudden death would make me angrier, because I would feel I didn't get to say goodbye, but I know what you mean; knowing the inevitable is going to happen feels like a long, drawn-out goodbye.
And I hate goodbyes.