I don't know. Every single time I go out, I get drunk and then I get the most overwhelming urge to run, to run as far away as I can. I'm not sure if it's the crowds of people who all seem to be having such a fun time, or if it's the noise, the noise that makes it too hard for me to think. I have found myself so many times wandering down streets in the middle of the night, with absolutely no idea where I was going, just knowing that I needed to be somewhere... somewhere else.
I'm scared of what I'm doing to myself. Turning to people who I know don't actually care about me, but needing them, needing them in that moment just so I don't feel alone. It's completely pathetic. It's pathetic, and I don't really know what I need to do to fix it.
I don't want to write blogs that are filled with sadness, or blogs where I whine and moan. I'm starting to wonder though if that's just who or what I am, if maybe I'm meant to be depressed. What if this isn't an illness, but my whole personality? 'Cause there is no escaping that.