Saturday, May 1, 2010

It used to be the reason I breathed, but now it's choking me up.

Have a lot going on today, so apologies in advance if this blog is a complete mess! :]

I was getting ready to go out today when I got a text message from Darragh, my best friend, telling me that a friend of ours was admitted to hospital, following a 'break down'.  He asked me did I want to go and visit and her and as I texted back with a "No", I unexpectedly found myself... well, angry. 

I feel like a terrible person, insensitive, but the truth is, I was never able to relate to this girl, I could never symapthise with her. To be honest, I don't speak about my past, my feelings, or my depression with my friends, or with anyone really, other than Catherine, my counsellor and here, in this blog. It's not that I'm ashamed. I'm not. I just don't want it to make a difference. I don't want people to worry about me, to treat me differently, to feel there are things they can't say to me. 

This girl though, she openly and often jokingly, spoke about things that cut me a little too close to the bone. She asked me once could she take some of my anti-depressants 'cause she wanted to be more "zoned out" like I am. I'm not "zoned out" by any means. I'm just a quiet person in situations where I feel uncomfortable. She made me uncomfortable. 

I dunno. I guess I just thought, "A break down? Wouldn't it be so easy for any of us to just decide 'Fuck this', I couldn't be bothered anymore". Maybe it's hypocritical of me. I mean, I'm the one with a couple of suicide attempts under my belt, but I could have a break down any day. I don't though. I don't because I don't feel like I deserve the attention. 

I think the majority of people have days where they wish they could say, "You know what? I'm not going to work, I'm not going to get out of bed or take a shower or do anything. I'm just gonna lie here". But they don't. They get up, they do what has to be done. As I always say, "That's life". Sure, it can pretty miserable, but you can either get up and work through it, or 'break down'. 

There's no point in quitting though. I found out the hard way that it'll only really affect you, in the long-run. You don't go to work, you don't get paid. You sit around feeling sorry for yourself. You won't be missed, no matter what you think. You will be replaced, and someone else will be able to do what you did, maybe even better than you. 

Lying in bed all day because you are miserable only serves one purpose and that is to make you even more miserable. That's why we don't all 'break down'. We can't. We'd get lost. Life would move on and we'd be left behind. That's all that'd happen. I think maybe I see a break down as just an easy way out. Harsh? Yup. 

Today I also realised that I've been a grown up for as long as I can remember. My first memory, my earliest, is of being at home with my dad one day when he collapsed and had a seizure on the kitchen floor. I was about three years old. I wrapped him up in my 'My Little Pony' duvet and sat rubbing his face 'til someone else came, someone who actually knew what to do.

I have spent my entire life taking care of people who were meant to be taking care of me. I've always worried. I've worried about my dad. It's weird the things that become routine. I make sure to always stand close enough to him to be able to cushion a fall, should he collapse. People have said I seem to have a sixth sense for seizures. I think I've watched my dad so closely over the years that I just know when he's not okay. 

I've worried about my mum. Even when I was really young, I felt I could never share any of my problems with her. I was scared I'd upset her, and I wanted to protect her as much as I could. I learned to lie probably as soon as I could talk, always saying I was okay, that everything was fine. 

I've worried about my grandparents. Once, in school, someone said to me, "Grandparents die, just because they are really old". I was probably only five or six at the time but every night after that I'd fall asleep thinking, "What if granny and grandad don't wake up because they're old?".

I just wondered today, did I miss out? I'm not sad if I did, not now anyway. I'm sad maybe for myself as a little girl. I think I'd have liked to play on the roundabout at the playground, or watched some cartoons. I think it would have been nice if there was a time when I didn't think, "I can't do X or Y because I need make sure my mum/dad/granny/grandad (delete as applicable) is okay". 

This blog is so huge, I'm gonna stop now. 


  1. "You're a Hero,someone who can't help but make a difference, you might not lie it.But the world is a better place because you're in it"
    Says it all.