I don't know. Every single time I go out, I get drunk and then I get the most overwhelming urge to run, to run as far away as I can. I'm not sure if it's the crowds of people who all seem to be having such a fun time, or if it's the noise, the noise that makes it too hard for me to think. I have found myself so many times wandering down streets in the middle of the night, with absolutely no idea where I was going, just knowing that I needed to be somewhere... somewhere else.
I'm scared of what I'm doing to myself. Turning to people who I know don't actually care about me, but needing them, needing them in that moment just so I don't feel alone. It's completely pathetic. It's pathetic, and I don't really know what I need to do to fix it.
I don't want to write blogs that are filled with sadness, or blogs where I whine and moan. I'm starting to wonder though if that's just who or what I am, if maybe I'm meant to be depressed. What if this isn't an illness, but my whole personality? 'Cause there is no escaping that.
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"What if this isn't an illness, but my whole personality? 'Cause there is no escaping that"
ReplyDeleteThis is probably my biggest fear. I've had nothing but mental illnesses since I was 13ish, and I just am so afraid that I CAN'T live without them. That this is just....me.
And the drunken thing? That's EXACTLY what I do :/ I know it's stupid but I get alcohol on me and I just leave... I run down roads and streets and towns and I'm damn lucky nothing awful has happened to me yet but I always feel like I have to get away...
Much <3 for you.
no
ReplyDeleteNo
NO
NO!
it's not who you are,it's just in your head.I've been there,feeling like you're broken,like you're the problem, not anything else.
I know it's hard,but you CAN beat it,you ARE an amazing person, you just can't see it.Everyone around you can.
please,please don't lose hope,you'll get there.
and as for the running away when you're drunk,find someone who does the same,you'll have an amazing adventure,it's not that you run,it's where you run to that matters.
less than three's for kicking the big bad sad monster square in the nuts
Thanks millions and zillions for the comments, guys <3
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