"Every life is a story, make yours a best seller."

It's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay.

I need to keep telling myself that. I am okay. When I woke up this morning, I felt sad. I used to wake up feeling like that a lot. Unmotivated, wishing I hadn't woken up at all, willing myself just to go back to sleep 'cause I couldn't see the point of moving, of being alive.

There is a point. There is. Today is a new day and I could stay in bed all day and feel miserable, but I don't want my life to be like that. I've had enough of that. No more. Depression is something that doesn't want you to get better, that's what I've been told. I'm gonna be better though, I'm gonna look back on my life some day and know that while it wasn't always perfect, I did my best.

The past is over, and yeah, it matters but what matters more is now. The past is not going to affect my now anymore. :)

Let go. Make these moments happy and then they'll be the ones that count.

"I am on the mend, At least now I can say that I am trying."

So... life is pretty good at the moment. I guess I only write when things aren't okay. I think this place I'm at now is the best I've had it in years. Actual years. I'm really proud, to be honest. A few months ago, I didn't see an end. I'd given up. It's crushingly tiring to have an undiagnosed psychiatric condition. I spent so long trying to convince myself I was over-reacting to things, and then becoming frustrated 'cause I just knew that it wasn't me, I knew something was wrong.

Bi-polar is so hard to diagnose, so I can't lay the blame on any of the doctors I have seen. At this stage, I'm only thankful. Yeah, it took a long time, but hey, got there in the end. I'm finally on medication that works for me, and seeing a therapist who doesn't wanna force me to talk about 'issues'. She's perfectly happy to set me tasks to keep me occupied and do stupid things like chalk drawings but... well, I'm just happier.

I know that this is for life, that maybe next week I won't feel so great but I think I'll be a hell of a lot better from now on. It's the best feeling ever. I can't remember the last time I was content like I am now.

<3 :)

It always comes to get me in the end.

I never in a million years imagined that illness would take over my life, but looking back now, it's so easy to see that it did. I have been finished school for four years and instead of spending those years working towards a degree, I have gradually slipped and fallen victim to my disorder.

I had many moments where I envisioned great things for myself - enrolled myself in courses I never finished, dedicated myself to full time jobs - these were the highs, the mania. My level of impulsiveness is astounding. Combined with a lack of sleep, I've decided I wanted to be a photographer, a make up artist, a teacher. In those hours, everything seemed possible. Sometimes the state of delusion lasted for a few weeks, and I'd embark on whatever particular challenge I had in my head... but of course, nothing was ever completed 'cause eventually there'd come the low.

The depression that has blighted the last number of years has often left me bed bound. I'd suddenly lose interest in the outside world, and just stay in bed and when or if it lifted, well, I always thought that it was too late to try and fix anything.

I don't know how I didn't see my life crashing down around me sooner. I don't know how no one else saw it either. I feel so incredibly guilty. Guilty, because all I ever wanted to do was... everything. I'm just so sorry. I am so, so sorry. If I could make it all better, make myself better, I would. I would do it in a heartbeat.

Part of the beauty of falling in love with you, is the fear you won't fall.

Haven't written a blog in a while now, 'cause I've been keeping myself busy and that's been good. It's weird though. Every time things are okay, or good, I'm happy but before I fall asleep, I think to myself, "How much longer have I got? When will this get screwed up? Am I actually okay now, or is this all fake?" and that drives me crazy. I want it to stop. I want there to be no questions, just acceptance, but I can't have that. My mind doesn't stop.

It's impossible to explain to people too. I feel like every time something bothers me, even if it's something tiny, I can't express it to anyone 'cause they all expect it to be a big deal and I get the impression that it's a case of, "Oh shit, Sarah is in one of her moods again". If someone takes the wrong lane at a roundabout and I decide to have a rant about it, it's not because I am spiraling into a downward depression, I'm just angry. I shouldn't be angry 'cause in the grand scheme of things, it's nothing and I know that but I need everyone else to know that too.

I need people to stop waiting for me to fall again. I need not to be tip-toed around. I'm doing good now, and sure it's hard for me to believe but it'd be a hell of a lot easier if others started believing it first.

Something Vague.

Day 4 - Your Sibling

Dear Kevin,

You are the best little brother I ever could have hoped for. I honestly could not be more proud of you than I already am. I guess I used to be kind of jealous of you... because I'm so completely average, and you're amazing at everything you do, but you really don't even realise how wonderful you are and that's what makes you so special. You put in the work behind the scenes, and I know that and you deserve every little bit of praise and recognition you get. I love you so much.

Sarah :)


Day 29 - The person you want to tell everything to, but too afraid to

Dear you,

I'm not really afraid to tell you anything. What I am afraid of, I guess, is that if I told you how much you mean to me, you'd think I expected all kinds of things from you... and I don't. I'm afraid that you think I need you to 'fix' everything and sometimes that makes talking to you kinda difficult. What I'm afraid of is you not being able to separate me from an illness. Yeah, it's hard to tell you things now 'cause you said you don't understand me... and you do. What you don't understand isn't me, it's so many other things.

I just want you to know that I'll always be here for you, no matter what. And when I say no matter what, it means exactly that. And you are awesome.

Sarah.


Day 7 - Your ex boyfriend/girlfriend

Dear C,

It's probably a bit insane to write a blog/letter to you that you will maybe never read, but here goes! I never knew exactly how sad life was until I met you. I never knew you could go from being such a huge part of someone's life to being... the past. I moved on, and so did you and I don't think either of us got hurt too badly, we just ran our course... but it kills me to think I could ever get that close to someone again and then for it to end. We promised we'd always be friends, and while we still talk every so often, it's pretty meaningless. I wish I was still someone you rang because you'd received good news, and you wanted to share.

I wish I could tell you that I missed being friends without it being weird.

For everything else, thank you. I guess because we were together for quite a long time, we grew up together and so a lot of who I am now is due to you. Sure, I learned how sad life is, but I also learned how truly amazing it is, and I don't think I ever told you that. Thank you isn't enough for that little bit of magic. I'll never forget.

Sarah.

.

So, I haven't self harmed in 23 days now... but to be perfectly honest, the urge to do so now is overwhelming. I got no first round CAO offers and yeah, I am devastated. You see, I don't know how to deal with anything I'm feeling. I don't want to cry, or call someone and have them tell me that it's gonna be alright... I want to punish myself for not being good enough. I want to make it hurt more than it already does.

Or maybe I just want to believe that it is going to be okay, but I can't, and that's the problem, and that's why I hate myself so much. 'Cause nothing is ever enough. When will this get better?

I can't think of an appropriate title!

I usually start to write blogs with pretty much no idea what they're gonna be about, but last night I had a dream and in the dream I said a lot of things to someone that I probably should have said weeks ago, or I dunno, maybe still now, but I always felt like the words were all... wrong.

The words are probably still wrong, but O2's new ad is seriously inspiring. It's all about reaching out to people, and every time I see it on tv, it makes me happy. I'd never fit all of this in a text message though, so hey, have a blog (:

I've been mentioning lately about my trips to Pieta House, both here and in C&H, but I never really talked about the reasons behind them. Obviously yeah, it was because I was self harming... but that's been going on for years and I never did anything about it... but then I met someone who has changed my life in ways he doesn't even know.

I suppose in all of time I self injured, I never really thought about the effects on the people closest to me. It was easy to hide cuts with long sleeves, and with bracelets and if anyone ever did find out... I was so busy being wrapped up in thoughts like, "No one cares anyway", that I dismissed anything they might be feeling, and pushed them away telling them that they could never understand. No one could ever understand me because I never allowed anyone to.

I have come to realise that a lot of relationships in my life, both with family and with friends, have been strained because of me. I'm TERRIFIED of being close to people, and of depending on them. This has obviously been frustrating for anyone who has been trying to help me, and when they stepped back, I could never see that it actually was my own fault.

Anyway, side-tracked! I met someone and he said something to me one day that finally made me open my eyes and see that all along I haven't just been hurting myself, but so many other people too. He said that he felt bad when I self harmed because he wasn't making me happy.

No one had ever said to me before that what I was doing to myself affected them too, and it was a huge shock. I felt awful. I realised that I had to stop. I had to stop for me, but I was never good at doing anything for myself... so I had to stop because knowing that I was hurting other people, and people who I really care about was probably one of the worst feelings ever.

I rang Pieta House the next day. It took me so long to make that phone call. It's hard to explain what self harming had become in my life. I relied on it when I was too scared to rely on anyone else. Imagining my life without it was actually insanely difficult. It's like being addicted to a drug, I think. I depended on it. I've always found dealing with emotion difficult... so I just wrote it on my skin and it brought me a sense of relief, and of calm. It was a release.

I made the phone call though, and I've been seeing the psychiatrist and a very wonderful psychotherapist in Pieta House for the last few weeks. The difference in my life is enormous. I'm sure there is still a long way to go, but now I can see the wood from the trees. I never would have tried to stop self harming if I hadn't met you, John. You have no idea how grateful I am. Thank you.