Someday I'll pay the bills, we'll have it good, we'll have the life we knew we should.

So... I have of course ended up in a horribly messy place. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a while ago, and it's only now that this is all becoming clear to me.

My huge dips in mood have always been pretty easy to notice, especially since I started writing this blog. Sometimes it actually terrifies when I read over this, and I remember how crazily low I have felt at times and often these lows came as the result of something totally tiny, or maybe one day I just woke up and decided I'd had enough.

The problem with bipolar, for me anyway, is that when I'm not experiencing great depression, I feel like... nothing at all matters, but in a good way. To explain, I have spent hundreds and hundreds of euro which I don't have. I am in some serious debt at the moment. I spent because during times of what is known as 'mania', I seem to have absolutely NO sense. I don't think of consequences.

I will never be able to say how sorry I am. I hate absolutely everything I've done. I can't even think about the pain that I have caused for others. I've no idea how or why I have such amazing friends, and such a perfect boyfriend because I don't deserve any of it. How can anyone ever know what they're gonna get with me? One day I'm so normal, and the next I'm wishing I didn't exist and I'm too scared to talk to anyone about it. I don't want to be a weight on anyones shoulders.

I don't know if this is ever gonna get better, or go away... Probably not. I've had my wake up call though. I can't go on like this. I just hope that everyone knows how much I appreciate their support, and that I don't ever mean to build walls and isolate myself, or make anyone feel that they are being pushed away. To my friend blog stalkers - I love you so much.


<3 Sarah.