Sunday, July 25, 2010

Someday I'll pay the bills, we'll have it good, we'll have the life we knew we should.

So... I have of course ended up in a horribly messy place. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a while ago, and it's only now that this is all becoming clear to me.

My huge dips in mood have always been pretty easy to notice, especially since I started writing this blog. Sometimes it actually terrifies when I read over this, and I remember how crazily low I have felt at times and often these lows came as the result of something totally tiny, or maybe one day I just woke up and decided I'd had enough.

The problem with bipolar, for me anyway, is that when I'm not experiencing great depression, I feel like... nothing at all matters, but in a good way. To explain, I have spent hundreds and hundreds of euro which I don't have. I am in some serious debt at the moment. I spent because during times of what is known as 'mania', I seem to have absolutely NO sense. I don't think of consequences.

I will never be able to say how sorry I am. I hate absolutely everything I've done. I can't even think about the pain that I have caused for others. I've no idea how or why I have such amazing friends, and such a perfect boyfriend because I don't deserve any of it. How can anyone ever know what they're gonna get with me? One day I'm so normal, and the next I'm wishing I didn't exist and I'm too scared to talk to anyone about it. I don't want to be a weight on anyones shoulders.

I don't know if this is ever gonna get better, or go away... Probably not. I've had my wake up call though. I can't go on like this. I just hope that everyone knows how much I appreciate their support, and that I don't ever mean to build walls and isolate myself, or make anyone feel that they are being pushed away. To my friend blog stalkers - I love you so much.

<3 Sarah.


  1. Don't be sorry,"sorry won't pay the bills" :D

    But seriously,there's always a way out of debt,even if it's more debt it'll buy you time to get stuff sorted.

    Look at it this way;it cost you money,it's only paper/a number in the bank,at least you were happy,never apologise for that.

    If it's useless junk[depends what kind of shopper you are] there are pawn shops you could lessen the impact a bit,or ebay.

    Remember,it's only money

  2. Ugh, I'm quite like that with money. Reckless. Just want - have to have.

    <333 and support as always, no matter what :)

  3. It's not your fault though, and we love you regardless of whatever, for reals. Nothing to be sorry for. :)
    Lots of <3 for you.

  4. One of the most therapeutic things you can do is write/type/you know what I mean! x