Sunday, July 4, 2010

And the man with the golden touch thinks he knows so much.

I have been having serious trouble when it comes to blogging lately. The words never seem to sound right to me when I read them back. I couldn't sleep last night, because inside my head is just too noisy. I really need it to stop. Please, please go away.

"Years go by, will I still be waiting?
For somebody else to understand.
Years go by, if I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds, raining in my head.
Years go by, will I choke on my tears?
'Til finally there is nothing is left.
One more casualty, you know we're too easy."

Sometimes I wonder 'why me?'... Not even in a melodramatic way, just did someone think I was strong enough for all of this? I saw a psychiatrist once who said I was extraordinary at dealing with pain. He was so fucking wrong. I wasn't sure if I should laugh then, or cry. So I smiled, and said thanks. People don't like the truth, I think. People like pretty lies, because they're easier to swallow and they don't leave behind a bitter taste.

Once, I met a guy and he looked at me like I was new. It made my heart feel like it was too big for my chest, and there was silence. When he looked at me like that, nothing else really mattered.

I thought not speaking out loud made things less real. Even if every time I closed my eyes, I could replay the moment where everything changed on the back of my eye-lids... If I said nothing, maybe it was just something I'd imagined all along? Why can I still feel the weight of it though?

Once, I met a guy and he looked at me like I was new. Then I came to the realisation that you can't ever be a new person. I'm always going to be criss-crossed with scars, inside and outside. It is never going to get better, only further away.


  1. You ARE strong, I know you don't think it, but you are. You're still here, much as it hurts everyday, and that is the truest indication of strength there is.

    Have hope that it will get better. I want it to get better for you - I believe that it will.


  2. What Hotaru said. Even if it doesn't feel like it, you're incredibly strong. You've been through so much and lived to tell the tale. Even now, when you're down, you're not giving up. There's something so strong in that alone.

    You're the person you want to be, even if it doesn't always or ever feel that way. You're not your mistakes or the things that have happened to you-those are things. You're a person, and while those things contribute to many aspects of you, you are the essence of yourself.

    Much <3 for you, I hope things improve soon. <3