I have been having serious trouble when it comes to blogging lately. The words never seem to sound right to me when I read them back. I couldn't sleep last night, because inside my head is just too noisy. I really need it to stop. Please, please go away.
"Years go by, will I still be waiting?
For somebody else to understand.
Years go by, if I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds, raining in my head.
Years go by, will I choke on my tears?
'Til finally there is nothing is left.
One more casualty, you know we're too easy."
Sometimes I wonder 'why me?'... Not even in a melodramatic way, just did someone think I was strong enough for all of this? I saw a psychiatrist once who said I was extraordinary at dealing with pain. He was so fucking wrong. I wasn't sure if I should laugh then, or cry. So I smiled, and said thanks. People don't like the truth, I think. People like pretty lies, because they're easier to swallow and they don't leave behind a bitter taste.
Once, I met a guy and he looked at me like I was new. It made my heart feel like it was too big for my chest, and there was silence. When he looked at me like that, nothing else really mattered.
I thought not speaking out loud made things less real. Even if every time I closed my eyes, I could replay the moment where everything changed on the back of my eye-lids... If I said nothing, maybe it was just something I'd imagined all along? Why can I still feel the weight of it though?
Once, I met a guy and he looked at me like I was new. Then I came to the realisation that you can't ever be a new person. I'm always going to be criss-crossed with scars, inside and outside. It is never going to get better, only further away.