Sunday, July 11, 2010

I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this.

Sometimes, I read back over this blog and I hate myself. I hate myself for being so down, so negative. I hate myself for hating myself. I wish I could wake up in the morning and not feel... heavy. That's what I feel like. 'Cause I make excuses for people. Everything is always my fault. I never get angry with anyone. In every situation, I look for something I've done wrong and then I hold myself responsible.

Well, sometimes I did mess up, and sometimes I was wrong. Sometimes I said things I didn't mean and sometimes the mistake was mine alone. It can't all rest on my shoulders though. I didn't fuck up every time. When I say I'm sorry, I really do mean it and right now, right now I'm sorry I didn't stick up for myself more. I'm sorry I let it all build up, I'm sorry I let so many people use me. I'm sorry I'm not the person I thought I was gonna be.

I hate that when I was a kid, I expected everything to be so perfect later on... And it's nothing like that at all. I may have let down a hell of a lot of people, but I could never let down anyone more than I have let down myself. Every single day, I wish I could be somewhere else, doing something else, feeling something different.

I was in hospital a while ago, and the doctor I was seeing said, "Don't worry, Sarah. You can just be a number, so if anyone ever sees your medical history, they won't know about this.". Yeah? Well, I don't want to be just a number. I know that I'm more than my medical history, but it is a part of me and it's a fucking huge part of my life. I'm sick of all of this being treated as if it's something I should be ashamed of.

So things aren't how I thought they'd be. So I had some bad experiences, and I tried to cut them all away. So I ended up pretty sad. Yeah, I did think things would be better if I was dead, and yeah, I did try to make that happen. I fucked up, but so did a lot of other people along the way. I'm sorry I hurt a lot of people, but I'm also sorry I never dealt out any blame to the people who hurt me too.

I didn't get here all by myself, and the only way out of here is to acknowledge that.

1 comment:

  1. I can identify with so much of this.

    Know that you are right - it's rarely all your fault; all these feelings and experiences are nothing to be ashamed of. Anyone who thinks so is not worth your time.

    <33333333333 as always.