Your true colours are beautiful, like a rainbow.

Last week, I had a really horrible appointment with a psychiatrist. He dismissed a lot of my concerns and in general made me feel completely belittled. It was very upsetting, and I did my usual 'bottle it up, pretend it didn't happen' thing. It has been playing on my mind all week though.

I'm not sure if I've written a blog about the treatment of mental illness in Ireland before, but it is diabolical. The waiting lists are huge, and when (or if) you ever do manage to get an appointment, the likelihood of being brushed aside, written off, is immense. It's so easy to get lost in the system. You just become a number, another statistic.

It's like screaming at the top of your lungs when you're alone. It makes a sound, but no one hears it or feels the effects except for you. I understand why suicide rates are so high. Sometimes I really do think it'd be so much easier to disappear, to not exist anymore. In this country, if you're unfortunate enough to suffer from a mental illness, not only do you have to fight it, you also have to fight for help and for recognition, for validation and for acceptance.

I have no idea if I'm ever gonna be happy. I don't know if there's gonna be a time when I can sleep unaided. I'm not sure if I'll learn how to cope with anxiety in ways that aren't self destructive. I'm okay now though, and while ideally that isn't enough, at the moment, that's all there is.

Untitled.

Time is not a healer.

You make me happy.

If you spend your whole life worrying about getting hurt, and not letting people in, you might think you're doing yourself a huge favour... But you're not really. I think I just realised that sometimes you have to give people the opportunity to let you down, for them to show you that they never will, and for you to be pleasantly surprised.

It is okay to allow someone else to make you happy. Being strong isn't the same as being alone.


I've written blogs, or maybe one blog, I dunno, before about sharing happiness. Well, so many people have been sharing their happiness with me, and it's just the most perfect thing ever. It's like a Mexican wave of niceness. I am still pretty scared of losing the positive vibe, and it's hard to get that off my mind but other than that, things are looking up. (:

<3 for the bestest of friends.

ILY.

I think one of the nicest things, maybe ever, is knowing that you're loved. I have always taken it for granted. This blog is really difficult to write, because to put the insane amounts of love I feel for my family, and for my friends into words is as close to impossible as I've ever experienced. 

My family. They have done absolutely everything for me. I didn't deserve a second, a cent, but no matter what has happened, they've never stopped giving. Is that what love is? A no matter what? Love is the last twenty one years. My dad, wrapped in My Little Pony duvet. The house he built for me in the garden to play in. All of those GAA matches we went to, just the four of us. My mum, singing in the kitchen. Our holiday to Florida; when it rained, it poured, and we still had the best time ever. My baby brother, who isn't a baby anymore. Where did all that time go, eh? I remember when he couldn't even walk, and now he runs rings around me, making me proud every single day. 

My grandad. Memories would stretch to forever, I think. The most perfect man I know. If I could ever be a teeny bit of the person that he is, I'd have done well. Love is only four letters. It's just too small to hold on to how I feel about our time together. I'll have to think of a better word for you, grandad, 'cause love isn't good enough. <3

My friends - you guys know who you are. I know I do a lot of running. I hide a lot, and I isolate myself and I say that I'm fine and I'm not really... and I think you're gonna leave me, but you never do. Know that I'm not running from you, know that I do love you. I love you all so much. God, I love you guys to the extent that it hurts, so fucking much that it scares me. I will always be here. This is a no matter what. 

Don't go jumping off any bridges!

Love is pretty extraordinary. It's everywhere, and you only really notice it when you look for it. Love is when you look back, and you think, "I wouldn't change anything.". I wouldn't change a moment.

Smile.

I've been on a 'spreading the love' spree lately. It makes me happy, it seems to make other people happy too. What's not to like? I think that maybe if everybody in the whole world just did one nice thing every single day, we'd all be a hell of a lot better off. It is so easy to focus on sadness, it really is, but there is so much going on that is perfect, and beautiful, and it's completely overwhelming. 

Sometimes I'm so lost for words I have no idea how I manage to write blogs at all. I'm not sure why, but life just fascinates me. It's so full of possibilities, crammed. I could write endless lists of things I want to do, and places I want to see, and moments where I imagine for a second I forget how to breathe because I'm in awe. I think that's why I've spent so many years hating life... Because it isn't long enough, because I know that no matter what, time will run out. 

Time will run out, but I can't waste anymore of it worrying about the fact. 

Smile, even when you don't want to. 

It sounds stupid, but smiling does help. It doesn't make everything better, but it's a start. When time does run out, I don't wanna be that person who was always sad.

I love those people who are always smiling, it's infectious. Feel good factor a million. If everybody in the world smiled at one other person in the world, wouldn't that be lovely? 

"What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure, but scattered along life's pathway, the good they do is inconceivable."

If everybody in the world smiled at one other person in the world, maybe it'd be a little bit easier to see the perfect, and to see the beautiful. Happiness is so often over-shadowed, but a smile costs nothing to give, and takes only a second, and like the sun, it can brighten up the dullest of days. 

Crazy amounts of love <3

:)

Last night, on Facebook, I decided to change my status to : "Okay, I can't believe I'm doing this, but hey, spreading the happy and stuff! Like this status and I'll post something I like about you on your wall :) (Unless I can't think of anything, 'cause then I'll just run!)". I posted things I genuinely like about people on their walls, and it made people happy and I feel really nice.

I've always been a pretty closed off person, I guess. I've always been scared of being just that little bit too close to someone. I'm starting to think that life is just too short. I can't always prevent myself from being hurt. Sometimes letting people know you does hurt, sometimes love hurts... But so does running away, so does being alone, and if there's one thing I can't bear, it's the "should'a, could'a, would'a's".

Happiness is one of those things you can share, but yet you don't find yourself lacking. It's pretty incredible. I want to share mine with everyone. Much <3

Subh millis, by Séamus Ó Néill.

"Bhí subh milis
Ar bhaschrann an dorais
Ach mhúch mé an corraí
Ionam d'éirigh,
Mar smaoinigh mé ar an lá
A bheas an baschrann glan,
Agus an láimh bheag
Ar iarraidh."


I think I first read this poem when I was in school, maybe it was part of the Irish Junior Cert curriculum. Anyway, I came across it again today and I decided I'd stick it here so I don't forget about it again, because I really love it. 


Roughly translated, it means: 
"There was jam
On the door handle
But I suppressed the anger
That rose up in me
Because I thought of the day
That the door handle would be clean
And the little hand 
Would be gone."


It really scares me how quickly time goes by, and how all we're left with is millions of memories, some of which we will just never be able to re-play as brightly as they were first time 'round. I think it's important to appreciate the little things, because some day, they too, like everything else, will be gone. 

"I'm convinced that giving in is the worst thing there is

So we bottled and shelved all our regrets,
Let them ferment and came back to our senses,
Drove back home and slept a few days,
Woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be.


We'll get over it,
Sad, strong, safe, and sober,
We'll move forward
And know where we went wrong."




Feeling more positive this week. It's good to be home. I've been hanging out with friends and yeah, it's been nice. I realised on Sunday night that I do have some pretty amazing friends, and it was me who was the problem. I wasn't letting anyone in. I guess it was as hard for me to open up, as it was for them to constantly feel like I was giving them the cold shoulder. I suppose it'll take a while for me to simply be able to say how I feel, but hey, at least we're on the right path.

I know my changeable moods over the course of this blog have been pretty insane. I've went from relatively happy, to inconsolably low and bounced somewhere between the two. Hopefully in the next couple of months, I can find some kind of balance.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll get around to a longer and better blog at some stage during the week, but for now, it's all good. (:

Vlog o.O

"Do you really wanna know how I was dancing on the floor?
I was trying to phone you when I'm crawling out the door.
I'm amazed at you, the things you say that you don't do.
Why don't you ring?


I was feeling lonely, feeling blue.
Feeling like I needed you.
Like I hoped you'd call and see me.
A&E."

"I love you in the morning,

When you're still hungover.
I love you in the morning,
When you're still strung out."


The lyrics pretty much have no link to this blog post, other than I'm listening to the song at the moment, and have been all day. <3 for Bloc Party.

Anyway, had a doctors appointment today. Sat in the waiting room for ages, as usual. I tend to get really depressed in doctors waiting rooms. You're sitting there, watching the world go by, and I always think to myself, "Why am I here? Why do I need to be here? Why can't I just be happy?". Back on anti-depressants as of today, 100mg Lustral. I'm feeling pretty disappointed now, but I guess if I start to feel a bit better, that'd be good.

Have decided that alcohol and drugs will be no more. I don't need these to have a fun time, and I never have fun when they're involved anyway.  I think I have the kind of personality whereby if I'm going to drink or something, I'm not gonna have one or two, I am going to have A LOT... and I don't need that.

I'm going home tomorrow, so I think I'll probably stay there for a while. I really hate to admit this, but I'm not in a place that I can get out of on my own and being in this apartment all day every day, well it just isn't helping. It'll be nice to spend some time with my family again.

Hmm, think that's all I have at the moment.

"I have to face the truth,

That no one could ever look at me like you do,

Like I'm something worth holding on to.

'Cause you can do better than me,

But I can't do better than you."

I'm kind of beginning to get weirded out writing this blog now. I think it's sort of strange that I have some of my best kept secrets posted on the internet for anyone to read. I've always been a perfectionist. I was always good in school. I liked to be top of the class. I'm that organised person, who likes to colour code things and can't stand messes. Second best was never good enough. Second best isn't good at all. 

I've tended to keep all of my problems under wraps, from my family and from my friends because the idea of being seen as weak, the thought of not living up to that 'perfect' expectation, I can't bear it. I'm the strong one, I'm the strong one but really, I'm just good at pretending.

I suppose from my latest blog entries, it's pretty obvious that the mood hasn't been great to say the least. I have fallen back into a pattern of self harm somehow, and my few weeks medication free, well, who was I kidding? 

I also seem to have distanced myself from all of my friends. I just can't find the motivation to get out of bed, or to be honest, to care about the most ridiculous gossip. I feel like the friends I have don't know me at all. One of them texted me on Monday night, and I didn't reply because I was having a really rubbish day. The next morning he texted me to blame me for some guy getting clamped because I didn't reply and he had needed the fob to open the car-park. Of course he'd only texted me because he'd needed something. Just ugh.

I know I can't give up and all that stuff, I know, but it shouldn't be this hard.