Nothing Gets Crossed Out.

Yes, I have moved too.

2010-10-28T16:03:00.000+01:00

http://pullllmyhair.wordpress.com/

I wanted to be able to write blogs I could password protect so that only certain people read 'em, and you can't do that here... so I've followed everyone else to Wordpress. (:

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2010-10-16T12:16:00.002+01:00

S'funny - only four posts in September. Every week, I go to therapy. I know, I know, it's like my little secret, the way some people like, I dunno, listening to Britney Spears when they're alone. I like having that hour, so I can say whatever the hell I want and it's out there and that makes things okay, 'cause I said it so everything isn't all big inside my head.

Anyway, every week, my therapist... ugh, 'therapist', asks me what have I blogged about and lately it's just been, "Nothing". I'm not blogging 'cause I don't know what to say. I'm not blogging because the truth is, I can't deal with strangers knowing things about me that I didn't even really want anyone to know.

In the beginning, it seemed like a good idea. I was able to get all of this stuff out that was bothering me, and people were crazy supportive and it was fine. It's still fine. People read, whatever, and they know and they form their opinions... But it was when it kinda hit me that certain people were reading this blog, and talking about it... Not to me, but to others... Well, that bugged me. I'm not gonna pretend it didn't.

I'm just human, like everyone else and yeah, that kinda shit gets me. It upsets me.

I'm not gonna say I'm never gonna blog here ever again, 'cause who knows? Maybe I'll be back tomorrow! But just for the record, I didn't run outta words, I just ran outta strength and I got tired pretending I didn't know what was going on.

Most people who read this probably won't have a clue what this is about, but I'm guessing a few will know exactly and... I'm not too sure what is appropriate to say to those people. So... yeah.

I believe in miracles.

2010-09-30T12:00:00.003+01:00

Neglecting this blog lately. Guess I have nothing to whinge about! :)

Next week, I properly start in college, after the huge mess that was my CAO. I'm excited. It's been a pretty long time since I had a real reason to get up in the mornings, so I can't wait for that. I'm gonna do my very best this year, for me, but for my mum too. I wanna make her proud. I know the last four years have been awful for her, worrying about the lack of direction in my life and stuff, and I really want to make her believe that everything is okay now.

I'm the happiest I've been probably ever. I used to get insanely down over the tiniest things, and I just don't anymore. Life's too short. Concentrate on the smiles, on the good.

Hmm, don't think I have anything else to say. Hope everyone is doing good. <3

Letterzzz.

2010-09-17T00:29:00.002+01:00

Day 18 - The person you wish you could be.

Y'know I'm not wishing I was someone else right now. I might wish I'd done some things differently in the past... but it's all over and done with now and it's okay. I'm pretty good being the person that I am. I don't wish I was better, I know I'm working on it and that's enough.

Dear me,
You're doing all right.
Eh... From me.

Day 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to.

I remember this one. It was with my friend, Ussher. I pinky promised that if he went into McDonald's to buy ice cream, I wouldn't drive away. (I once jokingly drove off, leaving him on a deserted road by himself, ya see. It was only for about two minutes, and I thought it was HILARIOUS. He didn't! A car drove by him while I was gone and he jumped into a ditch 'cause he was so scared, BAHAHAHA. <3)

Dear Ussher,
You are very awesome. Bestest River Island friend ever. I miss our over the radio banter and Tesco trips after working the closing shift. I can't believe we're grown up's now, it's a little bit scary. Love you, 'Sophie' :)
From me.

Day 30 - Your reflection in the mirror.

I dunno. I try not to think 'bout it.

"Every life is a story, make yours a best seller."

2010-09-14T13:43:00.003+01:00

It's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay.

I need to keep telling myself that. I am okay. When I woke up this morning, I felt sad. I used to wake up feeling like that a lot. Unmotivated, wishing I hadn't woken up at all, willing myself just to go back to sleep 'cause I couldn't see the point of moving, of being alive.

There is a point. There is. Today is a new day and I could stay in bed all day and feel miserable, but I don't want my life to be like that. I've had enough of that. No more. Depression is something that doesn't want you to get better, that's what I've been told. I'm gonna be better though, I'm gonna look back on my life some day and know that while it wasn't always perfect, I did my best.

The past is over, and yeah, it matters but what matters more is now. The past is not going to affect my now anymore. :)

Let go. Make these moments happy and then they'll be the ones that count.

"I am on the mend, At least now I can say that I am trying."

2010-09-07T23:15:00.002+01:00

So... life is pretty good at the moment. I guess I only write when things aren't okay. I think this place I'm at now is the best I've had it in years. Actual years. I'm really proud, to be honest. A few months ago, I didn't see an end. I'd given up. It's crushingly tiring to have an undiagnosed psychiatric condition. I spent so long trying to convince myself I was over-reacting to things, and then becoming frustrated 'cause I just knew that it wasn't me, I knew something was wrong.

Bi-polar is so hard to diagnose, so I can't lay the blame on any of the doctors I have seen. At this stage, I'm only thankful. Yeah, it took a long time, but hey, got there in the end. I'm finally on medication that works for me, and seeing a therapist who doesn't wanna force me to talk about 'issues'. She's perfectly happy to set me tasks to keep me occupied and do stupid things like chalk drawings but... well, I'm just happier.

I know that this is for life, that maybe next week I won't feel so great but I think I'll be a hell of a lot better from now on. It's the best feeling ever. I can't remember the last time I was content like I am now.

<3 :)

It always comes to get me in the end.

2010-08-31T12:43:00.002+01:00

I never in a million years imagined that illness would take over my life, but looking back now, it's so easy to see that it did. I have been finished school for four years and instead of spending those years working towards a degree, I have gradually slipped and fallen victim to my disorder.

I had many moments where I envisioned great things for myself - enrolled myself in courses I never finished, dedicated myself to full time jobs - these were the highs, the mania. My level of impulsiveness is astounding. Combined with a lack of sleep, I've decided I wanted to be a photographer, a make up artist, a teacher. In those hours, everything seemed possible. Sometimes the state of delusion lasted for a few weeks, and I'd embark on whatever particular challenge I had in my head... but of course, nothing was ever completed 'cause eventually there'd come the low.

The depression that has blighted the last number of years has often left me bed bound. I'd suddenly lose interest in the outside world, and just stay in bed and when or if it lifted, well, I always thought that it was too late to try and fix anything.

I don't know how I didn't see my life crashing down around me sooner. I don't know how no one else saw it either. I feel so incredibly guilty. Guilty, because all I ever wanted to do was... everything. I'm just so sorry. I am so, so sorry. If I could make it all better, make myself better, I would. I would do it in a heartbeat.

Part of the beauty of falling in love with you, is the fear you won't fall.

2010-08-30T12:14:00.003+01:00

Haven't written a blog in a while now, 'cause I've been keeping myself busy and that's been good. It's weird though. Every time things are okay, or good, I'm happy but before I fall asleep, I think to myself, "How much longer have I got? When will this get screwed up? Am I actually okay now, or is this all fake?" and that drives me crazy. I want it to stop. I want there to be no questions, just acceptance, but I can't have that. My mind doesn't stop.

It's impossible to explain to people too. I feel like every time something bothers me, even if it's something tiny, I can't express it to anyone 'cause they all expect it to be a big deal and I get the impression that it's a case of, "Oh shit, Sarah is in one of her moods again". If someone takes the wrong lane at a roundabout and I decide to have a rant about it, it's not because I am spiraling into a downward depression, I'm just angry. I shouldn't be angry 'cause in the grand scheme of things, it's nothing and I know that but I need everyone else to know that too.

I need people to stop waiting for me to fall again. I need not to be tip-toed around. I'm doing good now, and sure it's hard for me to believe but it'd be a hell of a lot easier if others started believing it first.

Something Vague.

2010-08-25T11:40:00.002+01:00

Day 4 - Your Sibling

Dear Kevin,

You are the best little brother I ever could have hoped for. I honestly could not be more proud of you than I already am. I guess I used to be kind of jealous of you... because I'm so completely average, and you're amazing at everything you do, but you really don't even realise how wonderful you are and that's what makes you so special. You put in the work behind the scenes, and I know that and you deserve every little bit of praise and recognition you get. I love you so much.

Sarah :)

Day 29 - The person you want to tell everything to, but too afraid to

Dear you,

I'm not really afraid to tell you anything. What I am afraid of, I guess, is that if I told you how much you mean to me, you'd think I expected all kinds of things from you... and I don't. I'm afraid that you think I need you to 'fix' everything and sometimes that makes talking to you kinda difficult. What I'm afraid of is you not being able to separate me from an illness. Yeah, it's hard to tell you things now 'cause you said you don't understand me... and you do. What you don't understand isn't me, it's so many other things.

I just want you to know that I'll always be here for you, no matter what. And when I say no matter what, it means exactly that. And you are awesome.

Sarah.

Day 7 - Your ex boyfriend/girlfriend

Dear C,

It's probably a bit insane to write a blog/letter to you that you will maybe never read, but here goes! I never knew exactly how sad life was until I met you. I never knew you could go from being such a huge part of someone's life to being... the past. I moved on, and so did you and I don't think either of us got hurt too badly, we just ran our course... but it kills me to think I could ever get that close to someone again and then for it to end. We promised we'd always be friends, and while we still talk every so often, it's pretty meaningless. I wish I was still someone you rang because you'd received good news, and you wanted to share.

I wish I could tell you that I missed being friends without it being weird.

For everything else, thank you. I guess because we were together for quite a long time, we grew up together and so a lot of who I am now is due to you. Sure, I learned how sad life is, but I also learned how truly amazing it is, and I don't think I ever told you that. Thank you isn't enough for that little bit of magic. I'll never forget.

Sarah.

.

2010-08-23T13:40:00.002+01:00

So, I haven't self harmed in 23 days now... but to be perfectly honest, the urge to do so now is overwhelming. I got no first round CAO offers and yeah, I am devastated. You see, I don't know how to deal with anything I'm feeling. I don't want to cry, or call someone and have them tell me that it's gonna be alright... I want to punish myself for not being good enough. I want to make it hurt more than it already does.

Or maybe I just want to believe that it is going to be okay, but I can't, and that's the problem, and that's why I hate myself so much. 'Cause nothing is ever enough. When will this get better?

I can't think of an appropriate title!

2010-08-18T11:33:00.002+01:00

I usually start to write blogs with pretty much no idea what they're gonna be about, but last night I had a dream and in the dream I said a lot of things to someone that I probably should have said weeks ago, or I dunno, maybe still now, but I always felt like the words were all... wrong.

The words are probably still wrong, but O2's new ad is seriously inspiring. It's all about reaching out to people, and every time I see it on tv, it makes me happy. I'd never fit all of this in a text message though, so hey, have a blog (:

I've been mentioning lately about my trips to Pieta House, both here and in C&H, but I never really talked about the reasons behind them. Obviously yeah, it was because I was self harming... but that's been going on for years and I never did anything about it... but then I met someone who has changed my life in ways he doesn't even know.

I suppose in all of time I self injured, I never really thought about the effects on the people closest to me. It was easy to hide cuts with long sleeves, and with bracelets and if anyone ever did find out... I was so busy being wrapped up in thoughts like, "No one cares anyway", that I dismissed anything they might be feeling, and pushed them away telling them that they could never understand. No one could ever understand me because I never allowed anyone to.

I have come to realise that a lot of relationships in my life, both with family and with friends, have been strained because of me. I'm TERRIFIED of being close to people, and of depending on them. This has obviously been frustrating for anyone who has been trying to help me, and when they stepped back, I could never see that it actually was my own fault.

Anyway, side-tracked! I met someone and he said something to me one day that finally made me open my eyes and see that all along I haven't just been hurting myself, but so many other people too. He said that he felt bad when I self harmed because he wasn't making me happy.

No one had ever said to me before that what I was doing to myself affected them too, and it was a huge shock. I felt awful. I realised that I had to stop. I had to stop for me, but I was never good at doing anything for myself... so I had to stop because knowing that I was hurting other people, and people who I really care about was probably one of the worst feelings ever.

I rang Pieta House the next day. It took me so long to make that phone call. It's hard to explain what self harming had become in my life. I relied on it when I was too scared to rely on anyone else. Imagining my life without it was actually insanely difficult. It's like being addicted to a drug, I think. I depended on it. I've always found dealing with emotion difficult... so I just wrote it on my skin and it brought me a sense of relief, and of calm. It was a release.

I made the phone call though, and I've been seeing the psychiatrist and a very wonderful psychotherapist in Pieta House for the last few weeks. The difference in my life is enormous. I'm sure there is still a long way to go, but now I can see the wood from the trees. I never would have tried to stop self harming if I hadn't met you, John. You have no idea how grateful I am. Thank you.

ndbhnkwcbijnw.

2010-08-17T16:24:00.004+01:00

Ramble, ramble, ramble. I am bad at making sense, so I'll just write everything I think and if no one gets it, that's okay 'cause at least I'll have written it and it'll be out there.

I was in Spain for the last five days and I had such an amazing time. I went with four friends of mine, and I am so glad that I did. I'm always that person who has big dreams, and makes so many plans... but then bails on everything, because it's all too much effort, because being by myself seems easier, because I'm just scared that something else will go wrong and what if I don't deal with it or if I can't?

I went to Spain though. A step in the right direction. And when things did go wrong, (my friend, Gary, was attacked one night), I cried. I never cry. I honestly don't remember the last time I cried. I tended to bottle up any kind of sadness I felt, let it weigh me down... or you know, cut myself. But this time, I just cried. And it was good. It was so good. I cried, and Gary and I talked for a while and he promised me that everything was going to be okay, that he was okay... and everything was, and he was. And then I was okay too.

The rest of the holiday was perfect. I did things I never would have done before. I got on rollercoasters. The last time I was in Port Aventura I just excluded myself, out of fear. This time I held on tight, and I closed my eyes and I probably screamed but I did it and that feels so good.

I went out in the middle of the night to swim in the ocean. At first, I said no and then I thought to myself, "You are only here for a few days, and you need to make this count. You need to make good times to remember", so I did. 2am, swimming in the ocean beneath a lightning storm. It was incredible, and I doubt I'll ever forget it.

The few days were also the ultimate bonding experience. I feel closer now to my friends than I think I ever have done. It's pretty special, and I know now that I need to make myself say yes more, I need to do things even when I think it'd be better to stay at home. 'Cause all I've ever had was home alone, catching the stories of adventures I'd missed out on afterwards, and I don't want that anymore.

So, this is all good. I've fucked up, and I've done so many things that I wish I could take back but I just can't. The past is the past though, and this is now and it's new. Even if it isn't always perfect, that's alright. I've accepted things now, maybe? It's been one hell of a ride.

I love you, Niki, Jerome, Gary and Chips. <3 x

:)

2010-08-08T22:22:00.004+01:00

Ah, another what will probably be a rather long Sunday night blog entry.

I started on mood stabilisers last week, as I mentioned in a previous blog and I really am feeling a lot better. Have a lot of stuff going on but I'm actually so proud of how I'm dealing with everything. I know if some of these things had happened to me two years ago... and er, maybe last week... I'd be locked away in my room etc. I haven't self harmed in 8 days. Can't believe I'm writing this in a blog, OH GOD! But anyway, yeah. I know that's a short time, and I've stopped for longer periods of time before, but this really is it. There is no going back.

I think I realised in the last while that being mentally ill is always seen in such a negative light, and I've taken a huge bashing for it over the years, been told things like, "Just cheer up" and I've been pushed away by so many people and I just thought, "Why the fuck me? Why am I being punished for this?". Well, I get it now.

I get that I was not always the problem. Yeah, it probably is frustrating to be friends with me sometimes, but ya know what? No one is perfect. I might rapidly circle through moods, and sure, I'll look for the negative before the positive but I always make an effort for the people I love. A huge effort.

So bipolar or not, I'm still me. I'm still just a person who has been trying really hard not to get lost in an illness. I'm still just a girl who likes to watch crime documentaries and then lie in bed totally scared, I'm just a girl who likes to be hugged and I'm just a girl who likes to drive in the rain. It's funny how after so long, I'd forgotten I'm just me. All I ever thought about was how I felt that day, cutting, hiding, medication, doctors, hospitals. I've spoken so much about being ill that being ill became me. And that's not me at all.

I'm happier than I have been in a really long time now, truly. My thanks go to everyone at Pieta House. I would never ever have gotten a diagnosis without these guys, and I probably would never have found the right medication. The therapy opened my eyes too, and it's just like being in a whole new world. I owe my life to each and every one of them.

"I can't shake this bitter feeling."

2010-08-07T22:38:00.002+01:00

I have fallen in love with this song over the last few days. Oh, and I think I might be bored with that whole letter thing. Maybe get back to it some other time.

Aaaaaand, other than that, I'm feeling muuuuuch better. Seeing my new therapist has probably been one of the best things I've ever done in my life - no joke. It's early days, but I'm really excited to see how the next few weeks go.

Had a pretty fun day today, after Dar's birthday party last night. We all lay in bed together for hours, and it was nice. I <3 you all.

"Take the pieces, and build them skywards."

Letters 2.

2010-08-06T11:30:00.002+01:00

Today is gonna be : "Day 17 - Someone from your childhood", "Day 23 - The last person you kissed" and "Day 8 - Your favourite internet friend".

"Day 17 - Someone from your childhood."

Dear nanny,

Best twelve years ever. Thanks for always looking after me, and for making sure I knew that your home was my home too. Thanks for playing Barbies, and reading books, and colouring pictures. You were amazing, and I miss you so much. x

"Day 23 - The last person you kissed."

Dear you,

You know who you are, and I'm not sure you have any idea how great you are. x

"Day 8 - Your favourite internet friend."

Dear Boards friends,

I can't pick just one 'cause that'd be unfair. I've met some of you, and some of you I haven't, but you are all so lovely, and inspiring, and strong. Thanks for everything, guys, I'm not sure what I'd do without any of you! <3

Love, Sarah (:

Letters.

2010-08-05T11:33:00.006+01:00

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favourite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

So, I am going to write letters to the following people. I'm not gonna do it in order, I'm gonna pick numbers out of a hat, and do it randomly. :) Today will be : "Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to", "Day 12 - The person you hate most / caused you a lot of pain" and "Day 2 - Your Crush".

"Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to."

Dear... so many people,

I don't give second chances. It takes a lot for me to trust someone enough to allow myself to like them, and usually I try really hard not to become attached to people, out of complete fear that they're gonna leave and I'll end up getting hurt. So... to those who have hurt me - I gave you one chance and you fucked up and no amount of sorry will ever make it better.

In fact, I'm pretty sick of hearing you apologise over and over. There are no second chances. Goodbye.

"Day 12 - The person you hate most / caused you a lot of pain."

Dear person I hate most,

I never really get angry, but you are an absolute dickhead. I really do hope that some day someone treats you as badly as you treated me, and that you experience even half of the shit you've put me through. You are a horrible person, and knowing that you can live with yourself truly does make me sick. I would tell you how much you disgust me, but I don't want you to know how much you've fucked up my life.

"Day 2 - Your Crush."

Dear Crush,

I think 'crush' is totally silly used in this context.

Sarah.

All I need to write is a bitter song, to make me better.

2010-08-04T10:58:00.002+01:00

So, today I am beginning two weeks of intensive out-patient care and I'm feeling pretty positive about it. I have been prescribed a mood stabiliser as well, and while I was trying to be medication free, I think that this is a good thing for me. I'd be much happier if my mood stayed in or around the same continuously, rather than the constant up's and down's. Well, mainly rather than huge dips in mood for the tiniest of reasons.

As I usually end up doing in these blogs, I have to say thank you to the people who've been there for me. I've ended up losing so many friends over the years because I guess they didn't understand, or they just didn't want to... So it means A LOT to me to actually have friends who haven't bailed, no matter how hard the going got. You know who you are :) (And if you don't, and you're reading this, then you more than likely are one of those people!)

<3

"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it."

2010-08-01T22:11:00.002+01:00

Okay, this blog is going to be horrible and all xobcoubc, so if you're feeling in any way happy, I say don't read on.

I'm not sure where to begin now. So basically, I shouldn't really drink because I'm absolutely not able to do so and just get a teeny bit drunk, and stay happy. When I get drunk, firstly, I become completely depressed and secondly, I think, "Oh man, I'm so depressed, I should drink more"... So I do, and then I'm an intolerable mess.

And to top it all off, I convince myself (more so than usual) that I'm worthless, and you know when you're out and a guy hits on you or whatever? I start thinking, "If this guy actually knew anything about me... he'd run a fucking mile". And that's true. And that's okay. But it fucks me up.

So last night, my friend was telling me that some guy was interested in me. He wasn't. He was interested in sex, and could I be any more sick of that? No, not really. The thought of a guy I don't even know anywhere near me, never mind in my bed, makes me want to be physically ill. I don't need some stranger to think I'm good enough for one night to get me through the day anymore... So just go away.

I'm totally irrational as well, and I already know that. Maybe that guy was a genuinely nice person. Maybe he thought our five minute balcony conversation was a little bit of something special. I don't know, but I can't be dealing with it. I've turned into one of those people who needs, I dunno, to be properly liked... And that makes me sick too.

This is all just blah blah blah to the story. Last night, I got drunk, horribly so, and decided that no one was ever gonna like me enough to not just fuck me and fuck off. This is so crude, I'm sorry. Then I thought, "Oh hey, it'd be a great idea to cut myself now", so yeah, being drunk and stuff, didn't really feel the pain.

Woke up this morning, realised I'd made a huge mistake. Had to go to a&e and have stitches. I'm pretty much the most stupid person in the whole wide world. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not just a 'normal' person, and I'd give anything for that.

I don't really know what to do now. I thought things were kinda getting better for me, but lately it's all been falling apart again. Tired, I'm so tired. I know I say it all the time, but it's the only word. I'm tired of fucking everything up, and making everyone else sad. I'm tired of being sad myself. I'm tired of not being able to explain. I'm tired of thinking, and of feeling. I'm just so very, very tired and no amount of sleep fixes this kind.

I'm way more than sorry. I can't say it enough. To the people who have to put up with this, well, they don't have to, they just do - I have no idea why you stick around, but know that I'm insanely grateful and someday I'll make things okay... I'll try anyway.

Tell me that it's gonna be okay, tell me it's okay now anyway.

2010-07-29T21:04:00.005+01:00

Have you ever convinced yourself that your phone was broken? It's easier than believing that no one wants to talk to you, isn't it? Sometimes I just want to know that I do cross someones mind, I need to know that it does matter than I exist. It's the most pathetic thing. I'm always saying to myself in my head, "Oh, you're being so clingy, you're being so stupid" and yeah, I probably am. But that's it, there it is. I desperately need to be needed, and I crazily want to be wanted.

Being by yourself 24/7 is honestly enough to drive anyone insane. It sounds like bliss in the beginning, but when the only person you talk to for days on end is the guy selling you milk in the shop, or someone you bump into accidentally in the street, you really do start to wonder if it'd even be noticed if you dropped off the face of the earth.

I, deep down, know that I do matter to people... and that's why I hate the fact I feel like I need it all to be validated. Why is it not enough for me to just know, why is that not enough?

Teach me how to shine.

2010-07-28T19:21:00.002+01:00

Someday I'll pay the bills, we'll have it good, we'll have the life we knew we should.

2010-07-25T12:38:00.002+01:00

So... I have of course ended up in a horribly messy place. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a while ago, and it's only now that this is all becoming clear to me.

My huge dips in mood have always been pretty easy to notice, especially since I started writing this blog. Sometimes it actually terrifies when I read over this, and I remember how crazily low I have felt at times and often these lows came as the result of something totally tiny, or maybe one day I just woke up and decided I'd had enough.

The problem with bipolar, for me anyway, is that when I'm not experiencing great depression, I feel like... nothing at all matters, but in a good way. To explain, I have spent hundreds and hundreds of euro which I don't have. I am in some serious debt at the moment. I spent because during times of what is known as 'mania', I seem to have absolutely NO sense. I don't think of consequences.

I will never be able to say how sorry I am. I hate absolutely everything I've done. I can't even think about the pain that I have caused for others. I've no idea how or why I have such amazing friends, and such a perfect boyfriend because I don't deserve any of it. How can anyone ever know what they're gonna get with me? One day I'm so normal, and the next I'm wishing I didn't exist and I'm too scared to talk to anyone about it. I don't want to be a weight on anyones shoulders.

I don't know if this is ever gonna get better, or go away... Probably not. I've had my wake up call though. I can't go on like this. I just hope that everyone knows how much I appreciate their support, and that I don't ever mean to build walls and isolate myself, or make anyone feel that they are being pushed away. To my friend blog stalkers - I love you so much.

<3 Sarah.

Just make it go away now.

2010-07-21T19:08:00.002+01:00

Whinge whinge, moan moan, whine whine, the usual.

I'm sick of mood swings. The tiniest of things send me into a downward spiral. I've been in bed pretty much all day today. I am having the most insane low. It's impossible to talk to anyone about it, because while everyone says they understand, they don't. I don't want to be miserable all the time, and I feel so guilty for it.

hbcouwebcbeoubcoec. I can't actually write about this anymore. Get me out of here.

"Never understood how she could mean so little to so many,

2010-07-15T01:51:00.004+01:00

When she means everything to me."

So much <3

I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this.

2010-07-11T23:41:00.002+01:00

Sometimes, I read back over this blog and I hate myself. I hate myself for being so down, so negative. I hate myself for hating myself. I wish I could wake up in the morning and not feel... heavy. That's what I feel like. 'Cause I make excuses for people. Everything is always my fault. I never get angry with anyone. In every situation, I look for something I've done wrong and then I hold myself responsible.

Well, sometimes I did mess up, and sometimes I was wrong. Sometimes I said things I didn't mean and sometimes the mistake was mine alone. It can't all rest on my shoulders though. I didn't fuck up every time. When I say I'm sorry, I really do mean it and right now, right now I'm sorry I didn't stick up for myself more. I'm sorry I let it all build up, I'm sorry I let so many people use me. I'm sorry I'm not the person I thought I was gonna be.

I hate that when I was a kid, I expected everything to be so perfect later on... And it's nothing like that at all. I may have let down a hell of a lot of people, but I could never let down anyone more than I have let down myself. Every single day, I wish I could be somewhere else, doing something else, feeling something different.

I was in hospital a while ago, and the doctor I was seeing said, "Don't worry, Sarah. You can just be a number, so if anyone ever sees your medical history, they won't know about this.". Yeah? Well, I don't want to be just a number. I know that I'm more than my medical history, but it is a part of me and it's a fucking huge part of my life. I'm sick of all of this being treated as if it's something I should be ashamed of.

So things aren't how I thought they'd be. So I had some bad experiences, and I tried to cut them all away. So I ended up pretty sad. Yeah, I did think things would be better if I was dead, and yeah, I did try to make that happen. I fucked up, but so did a lot of other people along the way. I'm sorry I hurt a lot of people, but I'm also sorry I never dealt out any blame to the people who hurt me too.

I didn't get here all by myself, and the only way out of here is to acknowledge that.

I can't think of any words.

2010-07-07T22:34:00.002+01:00

It's all goin' off without you.

2010-07-07T00:49:00.004+01:00

Isn't this pretty fucking hilarious? Not the video. The fact that when people leave me, they never come back. I need an airport moment. I need someone to need me.

No. I just need someone to stay. Stay.

And the man with the golden touch thinks he knows so much.

2010-07-04T09:59:00.003+01:00

I have been having serious trouble when it comes to blogging lately. The words never seem to sound right to me when I read them back. I couldn't sleep last night, because inside my head is just too noisy. I really need it to stop. Please, please go away.

"Years go by, will I still be waiting?
For somebody else to understand.
Years go by, if I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds, raining in my head.
Years go by, will I choke on my tears?
'Til finally there is nothing is left.
One more casualty, you know we're too easy."

Sometimes I wonder 'why me?'... Not even in a melodramatic way, just did someone think I was strong enough for all of this? I saw a psychiatrist once who said I was extraordinary at dealing with pain. He was so fucking wrong. I wasn't sure if I should laugh then, or cry. So I smiled, and said thanks. People don't like the truth, I think. People like pretty lies, because they're easier to swallow and they don't leave behind a bitter taste.

Once, I met a guy and he looked at me like I was new. It made my heart feel like it was too big for my chest, and there was silence. When he looked at me like that, nothing else really mattered.

I thought not speaking out loud made things less real. Even if every time I closed my eyes, I could replay the moment where everything changed on the back of my eye-lids... If I said nothing, maybe it was just something I'd imagined all along? Why can I still feel the weight of it though?

Once, I met a guy and he looked at me like I was new. Then I came to the realisation that you can't ever be a new person. I'm always going to be criss-crossed with scars, inside and outside. It is never going to get better, only further away.

You can save me from madness.

2010-07-01T17:25:00.003+01:00

I've been trying to write this blog for, oh, about the last three hours. I have this problem with words though. I never think that they are enough. Life is just way too big to ever be held within a few sentences. Life, it overwhelms me. You only get one chance, so what if you say the wrong thing? Words, when spoken, can never be taken back.

It's funny. These words aren't the right ones at all. Pretty song though.

Your true colours are beautiful, like a rainbow.

2010-06-28T18:10:00.002+01:00

Last week, I had a really horrible appointment with a psychiatrist. He dismissed a lot of my concerns and in general made me feel completely belittled. It was very upsetting, and I did my usual 'bottle it up, pretend it didn't happen' thing. It has been playing on my mind all week though.

I'm not sure if I've written a blog about the treatment of mental illness in Ireland before, but it is diabolical. The waiting lists are huge, and when (or if) you ever do manage to get an appointment, the likelihood of being brushed aside, written off, is immense. It's so easy to get lost in the system. You just become a number, another statistic.

It's like screaming at the top of your lungs when you're alone. It makes a sound, but no one hears it or feels the effects except for you. I understand why suicide rates are so high. Sometimes I really do think it'd be so much easier to disappear, to not exist anymore. In this country, if you're unfortunate enough to suffer from a mental illness, not only do you have to fight it, you also have to fight for help and for recognition, for validation and for acceptance.

I have no idea if I'm ever gonna be happy. I don't know if there's gonna be a time when I can sleep unaided. I'm not sure if I'll learn how to cope with anxiety in ways that aren't self destructive. I'm okay now though, and while ideally that isn't enough, at the moment, that's all there is.

Untitled.

2010-06-23T19:15:00.002+01:00

Time is not a healer.

You make me happy.

2010-06-22T02:57:00.003+01:00

If you spend your whole life worrying about getting hurt, and not letting people in, you might think you're doing yourself a huge favour... But you're not really. I think I just realised that sometimes you have to give people the opportunity to let you down, for them to show you that they never will, and for you to be pleasantly surprised.

It is okay to allow someone else to make you happy. Being strong isn't the same as being alone.

I've written blogs, or maybe one blog, I dunno, before about sharing happiness. Well, so many people have been sharing their happiness with me, and it's just the most perfect thing ever. It's like a Mexican wave of niceness. I am still pretty scared of losing the positive vibe, and it's hard to get that off my mind but other than that, things are looking up. (:

<3 for the bestest of friends.

ILY.

2010-06-16T11:26:00.002+01:00

I think one of the nicest things, maybe ever, is knowing that you're loved. I have always taken it for granted. This blog is really difficult to write, because to put the insane amounts of love I feel for my family, and for my friends into words is as close to impossible as I've ever experienced.

My family. They have done absolutely everything for me. I didn't deserve a second, a cent, but no matter what has happened, they've never stopped giving. Is that what love is? A no matter what? Love is the last twenty one years. My dad, wrapped in My Little Pony duvet. The house he built for me in the garden to play in. All of those GAA matches we went to, just the four of us. My mum, singing in the kitchen. Our holiday to Florida; when it rained, it poured, and we still had the best time ever. My baby brother, who isn't a baby anymore. Where did all that time go, eh? I remember when he couldn't even walk, and now he runs rings around me, making me proud every single day.

My grandad. Memories would stretch to forever, I think. The most perfect man I know. If I could ever be a teeny bit of the person that he is, I'd have done well. Love is only four letters. It's just too small to hold on to how I feel about our time together. I'll have to think of a better word for you, grandad, 'cause love isn't good enough. <3

My friends - you guys know who you are. I know I do a lot of running. I hide a lot, and I isolate myself and I say that I'm fine and I'm not really... and I think you're gonna leave me, but you never do. Know that I'm not running from you, know that I do love you. I love you all so much. God, I love you guys to the extent that it hurts, so fucking much that it scares me. I will always be here. This is a no matter what.

Don't go jumping off any bridges!

Love is pretty extraordinary. It's everywhere, and you only really notice it when you look for it. Love is when you look back, and you think, "I wouldn't change anything.". I wouldn't change a moment.

Smile.

2010-06-12T16:20:00.002+01:00

I've been on a 'spreading the love' spree lately. It makes me happy, it seems to make other people happy too. What's not to like? I think that maybe if everybody in the whole world just did one nice thing every single day, we'd all be a hell of a lot better off. It is so easy to focus on sadness, it really is, but there is so much going on that is perfect, and beautiful, and it's completely overwhelming.

Sometimes I'm so lost for words I have no idea how I manage to write blogs at all. I'm not sure why, but life just fascinates me. It's so full of possibilities, crammed. I could write endless lists of things I want to do, and places I want to see, and moments where I imagine for a second I forget how to breathe because I'm in awe. I think that's why I've spent so many years hating life... Because it isn't long enough, because I know that no matter what, time will run out.

Time will run out, but I can't waste anymore of it worrying about the fact.

Smile, even when you don't want to.

It sounds stupid, but smiling does help. It doesn't make everything better, but it's a start. When time does run out, I don't wanna be that person who was always sad.

I love those people who are always smiling, it's infectious. Feel good factor a million. If everybody in the world smiled at one other person in the world, wouldn't that be lovely?

"What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure, but scattered along life's pathway, the good they do is inconceivable."

If everybody in the world smiled at one other person in the world, maybe it'd be a little bit easier to see the perfect, and to see the beautiful. Happiness is so often over-shadowed, but a smile costs nothing to give, and takes only a second, and like the sun, it can brighten up the dullest of days.

Crazy amounts of love <3

:)

2010-06-11T14:15:00.000+01:00

Last night, on Facebook, I decided to change my status to : "Okay, I can't believe I'm doing this, but hey, spreading the happy and stuff! Like this status and I'll post something I like about you on your wall :) (Unless I can't think of anything, 'cause then I'll just run!)". I posted things I genuinely like about people on their walls, and it made people happy and I feel really nice.

I've always been a pretty closed off person, I guess. I've always been scared of being just that little bit too close to someone. I'm starting to think that life is just too short. I can't always prevent myself from being hurt. Sometimes letting people know you does hurt, sometimes love hurts... But so does running away, so does being alone, and if there's one thing I can't bear, it's the "should'a, could'a, would'a's".

Happiness is one of those things you can share, but yet you don't find yourself lacking. It's pretty incredible. I want to share mine with everyone. Much <3

Subh millis, by Séamus Ó Néill.

2010-06-09T20:10:00.000+01:00

"Bhí subh milis
Ar bhaschrann an dorais
Ach mhúch mé an corraí
Ionam d'éirigh,
Mar smaoinigh mé ar an lá
A bheas an baschrann glan,
Agus an láimh bheag
Ar iarraidh."

I think I first read this poem when I was in school, maybe it was part of the Irish Junior Cert curriculum. Anyway, I came across it again today and I decided I'd stick it here so I don't forget about it again, because I really love it.

Roughly translated, it means:
"There was jam
On the door handle
But I suppressed the anger
That rose up in me
Because I thought of the day
That the door handle would be clean
And the little hand
Would be gone."

It really scares me how quickly time goes by, and how all we're left with is millions of memories, some of which we will just never be able to re-play as brightly as they were first time 'round. I think it's important to appreciate the little things, because some day, they too, like everything else, will be gone.

"I'm convinced that giving in is the worst thing there is

2010-06-08T22:48:00.000+01:00

So we bottled and shelved all our regrets,
Let them ferment and came back to our senses,
Drove back home and slept a few days,
Woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be.

We'll get over it,
Sad, strong, safe, and sober,
We'll move forward
And know where we went wrong."

Feeling more positive this week. It's good to be home. I've been hanging out with friends and yeah, it's been nice. I realised on Sunday night that I do have some pretty amazing friends, and it was me who was the problem. I wasn't letting anyone in. I guess it was as hard for me to open up, as it was for them to constantly feel like I was giving them the cold shoulder. I suppose it'll take a while for me to simply be able to say how I feel, but hey, at least we're on the right path.

I know my changeable moods over the course of this blog have been pretty insane. I've went from relatively happy, to inconsolably low and bounced somewhere between the two. Hopefully in the next couple of months, I can find some kind of balance.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll get around to a longer and better blog at some stage during the week, but for now, it's all good. (:

Vlog o.O

2010-06-04T16:31:00.000+01:00

"Do you really wanna know how I was dancing on the floor?
I was trying to phone you when I'm crawling out the door.
I'm amazed at you, the things you say that you don't do.
Why don't you ring?

I was feeling lonely, feeling blue.
Feeling like I needed you.
Like I hoped you'd call and see me.
A&E."

"I love you in the morning,

2010-06-03T20:18:00.000+01:00

When you're still hungover.
I love you in the morning,
When you're still strung out."

The lyrics pretty much have no link to this blog post, other than I'm listening to the song at the moment, and have been all day. <3 for Bloc Party.

Anyway, had a doctors appointment today. Sat in the waiting room for ages, as usual. I tend to get really depressed in doctors waiting rooms. You're sitting there, watching the world go by, and I always think to myself, "Why am I here? Why do I need to be here? Why can't I just be happy?". Back on anti-depressants as of today, 100mg Lustral. I'm feeling pretty disappointed now, but I guess if I start to feel a bit better, that'd be good.

Have decided that alcohol and drugs will be no more. I don't need these to have a fun time, and I never have fun when they're involved anyway. I think I have the kind of personality whereby if I'm going to drink or something, I'm not gonna have one or two, I am going to have A LOT... and I don't need that.

I'm going home tomorrow, so I think I'll probably stay there for a while. I really hate to admit this, but I'm not in a place that I can get out of on my own and being in this apartment all day every day, well it just isn't helping. It'll be nice to spend some time with my family again.

Hmm, think that's all I have at the moment.

"I have to face the truth,

2010-06-02T16:37:00.000+01:00

That no one could ever look at me like you do,

Like I'm something worth holding on to.

'Cause you can do better than me,

But I can't do better than you."

I'm kind of beginning to get weirded out writing this blog now. I think it's sort of strange that I have some of my best kept secrets posted on the internet for anyone to read. I've always been a perfectionist. I was always good in school. I liked to be top of the class. I'm that organised person, who likes to colour code things and can't stand messes. Second best was never good enough. Second best isn't good at all.

I've tended to keep all of my problems under wraps, from my family and from my friends because the idea of being seen as weak, the thought of not living up to that 'perfect' expectation, I can't bear it. I'm the strong one, I'm the strong one but really, I'm just good at pretending.

I suppose from my latest blog entries, it's pretty obvious that the mood hasn't been great to say the least. I have fallen back into a pattern of self harm somehow, and my few weeks medication free, well, who was I kidding?

I also seem to have distanced myself from all of my friends. I just can't find the motivation to get out of bed, or to be honest, to care about the most ridiculous gossip. I feel like the friends I have don't know me at all. One of them texted me on Monday night, and I didn't reply because I was having a really rubbish day. The next morning he texted me to blame me for some guy getting clamped because I didn't reply and he had needed the fob to open the car-park. Of course he'd only texted me because he'd needed something. Just ugh.

I know I can't give up and all that stuff, I know, but it shouldn't be this hard.

"I was sure I'd found love with this one lying with me...

2010-05-30T19:34:00.000+01:00

After sex, the bitter taste
Been fooled again, the search continues."

I couldn't sleep last night, so I decided to read a book. It didn't have the desired effect. I didn't get to sleep. I ended up getting out of bed and running myself a bath at 4am. I lay in the bath, wondering if any amount of water, any amount of soap, would ever be able to wash away the touches of people. The touches of guys.

I feel physically sick sometimes, when I think of the past. I've been on such a huge mission to self destruct that I've ended up in some of the most dangerous situations, and I've never cared. I'm actually so ashamed of myself, to have allowed myself to be taken advantage of. I have gotten myself horribly drunk, to the point where I don't remember, where hours are just blank gaps in my memory. Then I've come around to find myself in an array of different locations with guys who were mostly complete strangers... And they don't all take 'no' for an answer.

I guess after a while, it's easier to give people what they want. Protesting can be so tiresome.

Always being no one, nothing, being just another girl, that's tiresome too, though. I don't wanna be this person anymore. I wish it was all so easy as to take a bath and watch as it all swirls away, down the drain... But it just isn't. You can fix everything, except the past.

"Don't be frightened of turning the page,

2010-05-28T16:18:00.000+01:00

'Cause it is all the same,
It will always be the same."

I feel like I've been going around in circles for the last few years. Taking this medication, talking to that psychiatrist. Same thing over and over, but getting absolutely nowhere. I think there comes a time when people just give up, and fuck, this has got to be it for me. No one could ever say I didn't try, because I did. I tried.

I don't see things getting better, I just don't think that's gonna happen and maybe it'd be a good idea to accept that, to stop hoping for anything else. 'Cause realistically, I'm only setting myself up for the fall.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

2010-05-27T00:37:00.000+01:00

I don't know. Every single time I go out, I get drunk and then I get the most overwhelming urge to run, to run as far away as I can. I'm not sure if it's the crowds of people who all seem to be having such a fun time, or if it's the noise, the noise that makes it too hard for me to think. I have found myself so many times wandering down streets in the middle of the night, with absolutely no idea where I was going, just knowing that I needed to be somewhere... somewhere else.

I'm scared of what I'm doing to myself. Turning to people who I know don't actually care about me, but needing them, needing them in that moment just so I don't feel alone. It's completely pathetic. It's pathetic, and I don't really know what I need to do to fix it.

I don't want to write blogs that are filled with sadness, or blogs where I whine and moan. I'm starting to wonder though if that's just who or what I am, if maybe I'm meant to be depressed. What if this isn't an illness, but my whole personality? 'Cause there is no escaping that.

"Might write something I might want to say to you someday,

2010-05-21T22:14:00.001+01:00

Might do something I'd be proud of someday,
Mark my words, I might be something someday."

I'm posting in a better mood now. On Sunday, I am gonna be twenty-one. I spent all week thinking about how sad it was that I have nothing to be proud of, that I've been alive for all these years and achieved absolutely nothing. It really got me down.

Last night, I came home from Dublin, and my mood changed. I was surrounded by my family, my neighbours, people I have spent all of my life with and I sort of realised that it's okay that I don't have a degree yet, that I don't have a boyfriend, that I'm not independent.

I do have people in my life who have been there, who have always been there. While I'm not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life, I think I am starting to be proud of myself.

There have been so many bad times, so many times where I really wasn't sure if I wanted to go on anymore and I am glad I did. I'm glad I'm still here. I know being twenty-one isn't gonna make my life any different but I'm really gonna try make this year count.

I hope that this time next year, I can write a blog and say that twenty-one was the best year ever. I'm not gonna say 'no' anymore, I'm not gonna stay in bed when I could be having fun. I'm not gonna push myself too hard to be new, shiny and happy, but I really am gonna make an effort. I am excited about starting college in September, and here's to new friends, new experiences and new feelings.

To my followers, thanks for reading and for your comments. You guys have no idea how much you've helped and I've never said it but I appreciate it so much. Hopefully some happier blogs are coming your way! :) Much love, guys. <3

"And I’m not sure what the trouble was that started all of this,

2010-05-19T19:06:00.000+01:00

The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did."

I've been really busy lately, busy trying to be positive and optimistic, busy thinking that I'm happy. I'm tired now. I'm tired of everything. I absolutely cannot stand being depressed anymore. It's so torturous.

I've seen so many doctors, I've taken so many anti-depressants, I have talked and talked and I've tried to just not be here anymore. None of it has worked and I'm starting to seriously doubt that this will ever end.

But it's getting harder to take.

2010-05-17T22:38:00.000+01:00

"Sad are only those who understand."

This is how I feel. I guess I wonder if happy people just don't 'get it'. Today, I saw my counsellor, like every Monday but today, god, I feel like I've been turned inside out. I've always known that I was pretty melancholy. I am simply not the kind of person who is ever gonna look on the bright side. I think I'll always wonder when the good things will come to an end.

Today, we discussed all sorts of things. We talked about the photographs I take of my grandad - one every single Sunday, and she asked me why do I do it. I do it so that when he isn't there to visit anymore, I'll know that I never, ever missed a Sunday. I can hold all the moments that we spent together in my hands and that way, it won't be possible for him to be too far away.

I'm not sure if it's better to experience a sudden loss, or to know, to know that you're running out of time. I've been thinking a lot lately. I wonder if I'll be the same person, or will I just be a shadow? My grandad has been in my life from the very beginning, I have no idea how I'm supposed to go on without him in it. It's horrible to lose someone you love, it is so horrible, but watching the process in slow motion, and not being able to do anything, that's heart breaking.

I don't understand how anyone could be happy when life is the saddest thing that could happen. All it does is end.

Pull me out from inside, I am ready.

2010-05-13T15:40:00.000+01:00

"Did you ever walk through a room that's packed with people, and feel so lonely you can hardly take the next step?

Oh, have I written a blog about this before?! This is kind of different. I'm so lonely. I'm so tired of being alone and I've no idea why, but today the feeling is just overwhelming and I've no idea what I'm supposed to do. I want somebody who I can talk to and more than anything, someone who wants to listen to me talk. There just is nobody I can reach out to though, so today, this is what's really getting me down.

I think the up is gradually starting to slip away again.

Day 12 - Whatever tickles your fancy.

2010-05-11T03:29:00.000+01:00

"I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined our street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

American Beauty, such a good movie.

Don't forget me, don't regret me.

2010-05-08T03:37:00.000+01:00

Things that break, I don't think can ever be fixed. A broken bone will heal but you'll always see the fracture in an x-ray. A broken promise lives longer than you could imagine. You break a promise to someone and no matter what they say, they'll always doubt you, they'll always wonder, "Do you mean it this time?". A broken heart, it will never be whole again.

People say you can fix a broken heart with time, but the truth is, you can't. A grazed knee, it'll get better, it might leave a scar, a silvery white pattern to remind you of the fall, but a heart that's been broken, the reminder creeps up on when you least expect it. You don't just remember that kind of fall, you feel it. I read somewhere that you don't need water to feel like you're drowning and it's true, all you need is pain, an ache that nothing can soothe.

05/05/'25

2010-05-06T00:36:00.002+01:00

So, I'm a bit late with this one because it is now the sixth of May, but the fifth, the fifth is my grandad's birthday. He was eighty-five years old, well, yesterday!

I just have to write a blog because although he'll never see this, unless I show him which is unlikely, the world is a better place with him in it so I suppose I had to mark the day.

If I wrote all of things I love about my grandad I think I'd be here forever. He is without a doubt my best friend. I would do absolutely anything to make him happy and I wish there were words bigger than 'thank you' and bigger than 'I love you' because they'll never be enough.

Happy birthday, grandad. <3

The Past.

2010-05-04T14:54:00.003+01:00

"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present."

This has been my problem for a long time now. I have very rarely thought about the future. I've been so busy holding on to moments that are long gone. I know I've spent the last few years of my life feeling, well, guilty. I've let things pass me by because I felt that it was unfair, unfair that my life was moving on.

I could do this blog in typical 'Sarah-style' whereby no one really understands what I'm talking about, but I'm not going to. It's been three years, two months and one day since I had a miscarriage and I think that maybe it's time to let go.

Letting go doesn't mean forgetting, it doesn't mean I didn't care then or that I don't care now. I'll always remember the weeks of pregnancy - the shock, the terror, the wonder, the love. I know that I'll never forget the pain of loss for as long as live. I think when a woman has a miscarriage, she isn't just grieving for the baby she has lost, she is grieving for the future she'd imagined, the hopes and the dreams.

It's unexplainably difficult to miss someone you never got the chance to know. When a person dies, there's generally a reason. Illness, old age, an accident. With a miscarriage, there's only a tiny heart that's stopped beating and the words, "This isn't your fault". I'm the sort of person who needs a reason, so "Almost 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage" was never going to be good enough. I always had to ask why, but there was never an answer.

I found it desperately hard to move on. I went back to college but I couldn't take it seriously. I was sat in a lecture on the day that was my expected due date. I hated myself so much. I hated that I was doing something I felt was wrong, and disrespectful. How could I just go about planning a whole new future?

I guess now I'm starting to realise that sometimes the things that happen to us really are out of our control. All we can do is decide whether to sink or swim in the aftermath.

I think it's okay for me to have new plans now. I don't need to hang on to the past anymore because the parts of the past that matter, they're what make me who I am in the present, and in the future.

These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints,
they never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one who grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mummy's heart.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."

2010-05-03T17:16:00.002+01:00

"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."

I always thought I was really independent, enjoyed my own company, but now I'm starting to think that maybe I spend so much of my time alone for one reason only - the fact that it's just easier. I don't have very many friends. I know loads of people, from school and college and work, friends of friends and of course, people on Boards, but I tend to keep everyone at arms length. We can go out together and laugh and we can stay up all night and talk about everything... as long as it means nothing, nothing at all.

So, I say that I love being by myself and while it can be okay, sometimes I wish I could let more people matter. I wish I wasn't so scared of being left, of being let down, of not being enough.

Day 11 - A photo of you taken recently.

2010-05-03T13:19:00.004+01:00

Yeah, I skipped 'Day 10 - A photo of you taken more than 10 years ago'. I don't have a scanner (that works) and well, I just skipped it!

So, me, recently :

What are you supposed to say in this blog? I have no idea.

It used to be the reason I breathed, but now it's choking me up.

2010-05-01T19:51:00.003+01:00

Have a lot going on today, so apologies in advance if this blog is a complete mess! :]

I was getting ready to go out today when I got a text message from Darragh, my best friend, telling me that a friend of ours was admitted to hospital, following a 'break down'. He asked me did I want to go and visit and her and as I texted back with a "No", I unexpectedly found myself... well, angry.

I feel like a terrible person, insensitive, but the truth is, I was never able to relate to this girl, I could never symapthise with her. To be honest, I don't speak about my past, my feelings, or my depression with my friends, or with anyone really, other than Catherine, my counsellor and here, in this blog. It's not that I'm ashamed. I'm not. I just don't want it to make a difference. I don't want people to worry about me, to treat me differently, to feel there are things they can't say to me.

This girl though, she openly and often jokingly, spoke about things that cut me a little too close to the bone. She asked me once could she take some of my anti-depressants 'cause she wanted to be more "zoned out" like I am. I'm not "zoned out" by any means. I'm just a quiet person in situations where I feel uncomfortable. She made me uncomfortable.

I dunno. I guess I just thought, "A break down? Wouldn't it be so easy for any of us to just decide 'Fuck this', I couldn't be bothered anymore". Maybe it's hypocritical of me. I mean, I'm the one with a couple of suicide attempts under my belt, but I could have a break down any day. I don't though. I don't because I don't feel like I deserve the attention.

I think the majority of people have days where they wish they could say, "You know what? I'm not going to work, I'm not going to get out of bed or take a shower or do anything. I'm just gonna lie here". But they don't. They get up, they do what has to be done. As I always say, "That's life". Sure, it can pretty miserable, but you can either get up and work through it, or 'break down'.

There's no point in quitting though. I found out the hard way that it'll only really affect you, in the long-run. You don't go to work, you don't get paid. You sit around feeling sorry for yourself. You won't be missed, no matter what you think. You will be replaced, and someone else will be able to do what you did, maybe even better than you.

Lying in bed all day because you are miserable only serves one purpose and that is to make you even more miserable. That's why we don't all 'break down'. We can't. We'd get lost. Life would move on and we'd be left behind. That's all that'd happen. I think maybe I see a break down as just an easy way out. Harsh? Yup.

Today I also realised that I've been a grown up for as long as I can remember. My first memory, my earliest, is of being at home with my dad one day when he collapsed and had a seizure on the kitchen floor. I was about three years old. I wrapped him up in my 'My Little Pony' duvet and sat rubbing his face 'til someone else came, someone who actually knew what to do.

I have spent my entire life taking care of people who were meant to be taking care of me. I've always worried. I've worried about my dad. It's weird the things that become routine. I make sure to always stand close enough to him to be able to cushion a fall, should he collapse. People have said I seem to have a sixth sense for seizures. I think I've watched my dad so closely over the years that I just know when he's not okay.

I've worried about my mum. Even when I was really young, I felt I could never share any of my problems with her. I was scared I'd upset her, and I wanted to protect her as much as I could. I learned to lie probably as soon as I could talk, always saying I was okay, that everything was fine.

I've worried about my grandparents. Once, in school, someone said to me, "Grandparents die, just because they are really old". I was probably only five or six at the time but every night after that I'd fall asleep thinking, "What if granny and grandad don't wake up because they're old?".

I just wondered today, did I miss out? I'm not sad if I did, not now anyway. I'm sad maybe for myself as a little girl. I think I'd have liked to play on the roundabout at the playground, or watched some cartoons. I think it would have been nice if there was a time when I didn't think, "I can't do X or Y because I need make sure my mum/dad/granny/grandad (delete as applicable) is okay".

This blog is so huge, I'm gonna stop now.

It's only wishful thinking.

2010-05-01T02:05:00.003+01:00

Another "I can't sleep so I'll vent online" blog.

Over two weeks medication free now. Had a bad week initially, then I had a really good week (by my standards anyway!) and now, now I'm not too sure. On Monday I saw my doctor. I told him I wasn't gonna take anti-depressants anymore, but that I still needed a sleeping pill prescription. I'm a terrible sleeper. 3am, 4am, 5am, 6am, I'm always awake.

Being awake when the rest of the world is sleeping, god, I think it's one of the worst things. From my window, I watch as the lights in all the other apartments go off. It's really lonely. It's really hard not to feel like you just wish you weren't here.

My doctor said he was worried that I'm becoming dependent on sleeping tablets. Of course I am! I've tried sleeping unaided. I just lie in the dark becoming increasingly frustrated. I understand why he is concerned. The last time he gave me my months supply, I took 'em all in one go.

My counsellor has been urging me to write a blog about what we refer to as, 'The Mater incident'. I've been really hesitant because, I dunno, it's not exactly the kind of thing you want people to know about you. I think a lot of people would see me as being really carefree, laid-back, determined, strong. None of that is true at all.

'The Mater incident'. It was a Thursday morning, in March. I hadn't slept in quite a while. I decided I'd take a bath. I hadn't been a self-harmer in a good few months, but I found myself smashing a razor, to get the blades out. I can't have been thinking straight. I cut myself over and over and then I felt like I was right back where I used to be.

The water must have been cold for a long time before I noticed. I drank a litre of vodka. I didn't have anything to mix it with, but there was mouthwash on a shelf by the bath so I figured that'd do the trick.

A friend of mine at the time began ringing me then and I remember thinking, "Please leave me alone". I got into bed and inside my pillow case, I had 28 Zimovane. So I took them. Washing them down with Peach Schnapps. I honestly did not care what happened. I was hoping I could sleep. Just sleep.

It didn't work out like that though. I don't remember what happened next. Apparently I was conscious for some of the trip to the hospital but I don't remember ever being in an ambulance. I can't picture the paramedics, if I was put in the room I was in in the hospital now, I'd think it was my first time being there.

When there was talk of me being admitted to the psychiatric unit, I did the very last thing I should have done. I mustered up whatever strength I could find, and left. I walked out. There I was, on the street, in pyjamas, and only somewhat alert. I think deep down I sort of hoped someone would say, "Sarah, you don't have a choice here, you need to get better", but no one did. So I went home.

Now I get sleeping pills dispensed four at a time. The lady in the chemist doesn't tell me how to take them anymore. In fact, she says, "Oh hi, I have your tablets ready for you!". I know that she's being sweet but it makes me feel terrible. I leave wondering how did I become someone who can't be trusted, is it always going to be like this, what do I have to do to not be on first name terms with the local pharmacist, lovely and all as she is.

I have been feeling better lately, a lot better, but the truth is, no matter what, the battle is still on-going. It's funny that I'm feeling pretty okay now, but I can't stop worrying about the next time. Everything in my life is touched by sadness, even my happiness. 'Cause I know it's only a matter of time before it comes to an end.

The song I've been listening to on repeat while writing this blog :

Day 09 - A photograph you took.

2010-04-28T23:45:00.007+01:00

As an ex Photography student, I've obviously taken a LOT of photographs. I don't really have a favourite and I can't think of any photographs that stand out more than the others so I'm just gonna post a few random pictures. (:

This is a photograph I took when I went to see a band I like, YouMeAtSix. It looks like I Photoshopped this image but I really only did a quick fix, the rest is just blur because he was moving so fast and I did a lens turn while I took the photograph - gives a nice wee effect.

This is a portrait of a friend of mine. It tends to take a bashing for being too washed out, but personally, I really like it.

Quick snapshot from a party, it just really appeals to me <3

Taken at some gig, somewhere. Nothing special, just the hands of the crowd, but I like the blur, the fuzziness and the fairy lights.

I've been having a long-term love affair with black and white, oh, and sepia, but here is a rare colour photograph of mine. Taken in New York, where I thought b&w just did the city no justice.

Finally, a question I answered in a straight-forward fashion! Maybe we're making progress!

2010-04-23T05:18:00.003+01:00

I was driving a few days ago and I saw the most wonderful armchair abandoned by the side of the road. That chair, it had to have been older than I am and oh, the urge to try and bring it home with me was overwhelming. I love really old armchairs. They remind me of my grandad. He always, and I mean always, sits in the same chair. He has had it for decades and every so often, he has it reupholstered. It looks different, but it feels the same. We used to sit in that chair together when I was a kid and he'd tell me stories. It was the place to go to when you needed a hug, when you'd fallen and scraped your knees and needed your mind taken off it. I'm looking for a chair for my apartment now, a special chair, that looks like it can hold the weight of a million dreams.

I'll keep you updated on how the search goes! :)

Day 08 - A photo that makes you mad / sad.

2010-04-23T01:44:00.002+01:00

Here we go again with the, "Hmm, I'm not really 100% sure. I kind of think X but no, not really. Oh, I dunno!" spiel.

Photographs that make me sad? Photographs of sad people, sad events, photographs of people I've loved who I don't see anymore, for whatever reason. Photographs of the sun shining when I'm sitting looking out at the thundering rain. Photographs of smiles when I don't know or remember the reasons behind them. Photographs of Christmas morning when it's the 26th of December and you know you couldn't possibly be further away from this again.

Photographs of childhood, because you'll never be that innocent again. Photographs of weddings because everything looks just that little bit too perfect, yet can fall apart so easily. Family photographs - the one's where someone shouts "Cheeeeeeese!" and everyone smiles, even though no one wants to.

I think I answered the question this time.

Up.

2010-04-21T16:18:00.003+01:00

I thought it'd be kind of nice if I posted a blog that had a positive and uplifting vibe! (:

I am feeling better. I stopped taking my medication nine days ago, and I honestly feel so much lighter. I walked into the chemist and when I got to the counter I thought, "Do I need this? Will handing over thirty euro for four tiny pills make me feel any better?". I walked back out.

You're not supposed to stop taking any kind of anti-depressants, anti-anxieties etc., just like that. I was on a pretty high dose of Lexapro so really I should have weaned myself off over a period of time. I felt physically terrible for about a week. Nauseous, trembly, tired. Now though, now I feel more like myself.

Yesterday, I applied to college. Hopefully, come September, I'll find myself in Trinity studying Psychology and English Literature. I think this is a turning point for me. Well, I really hope it is. I want to do things again.

While I am here, I think I'll add in a song I am liking at the moment.

The Notwist - Consequence.

We may have reached the end.

2010-04-15T22:46:00.002+01:00

Friends come and go. I don't think I've ever walked away from someone though. I'm kind of strange like that. I hate the thoughts of an ending. I think I'd prefer anything other than a conclusion.

Sometimes, I wonder am I the only one friendship really matters to. "Oh, we used to be friends". That makes me sad. I think friendships should be for life. It shouldn't be so easy to severe the ties.

I guess that lately I've realised that I was losing some of the friends I've had around for a long time. I've been having a hard time. I kind of thought... I thought that someone would want to help. It turns out that so many people are only your friends when they're benefitting too.

I'm not too sure what I'm supposed to do now.

Just a quick update (:

2010-04-10T19:19:00.002+01:00

Hmm, what to say really? I've been finding it pretty hard to blog in the last week or two. I have loads of things I want to say, but I can't seem to make it happen at the moment. Hopefully I'll be back on track with my 30 blog challenge soon.

For the meantime, here is a video I found on YouTube.

The guy in the video, Noah, he has taken a photograph of himself every single day for six years. I think it's really cool. I sat watching this in awe, so thought I'd share.

Teardrop - Newton Faulkner.

2010-04-07T00:14:00.001+01:00

I had to put this video here. It's Newton Faulkner and it is amazing.

I tend not to actually watch videos on youtube, I just have a tab open and play music, but this performance is worth a watch. (:

06/04/'10

2010-04-06T15:01:00.002+01:00

I guess the last month of my life has been a pretty bad one. When I go through phases of lows, it tends to be a very testing period for those who are closest to me. I wish that I could take back all the hurt that I have caused lately. I know it has been a very upsetting time for my parents and confusing, for my mum, who finds it so difficult to understand. I know that all she wants is for me to be happy and I'm really sorry for not being able to do that for her.

I feel bad for my friends. I've put some of them in really terrible situations, and laid onto them huge responsibility. I'm sorry we don't learn Irish side by side anymore, and that we haven't been for long drives to nowhere.

To any of my friends reading this, I hope you know that no matter how many times I tell you I don't want to go out, or that I'm too tired, I honestly, from the bottom of my heart, love you just for trying, for asking. I'm sorry I never hug you anymore, and that I don't know the right words to say thank you enough.

I hope that someday, someday soon, my mum will know that this isn't all her fault and even though there are days when I think things are never going to be alright, there are also days when I know that I have some of the most wonderful people looking out for me. So it'll just have to be okay.

To my friends, I think the juice will be worth the squeeze. ♥

07 - A photo that makes you happy.

2010-03-29T18:15:00.014+01:00

Reading this blog, it must seem like "I don't know" is my favourite phrase. I wish I was one of those decisive people. I'd love to answer questions in a way that made people feel like they were even a tiny bit closer to me. I want to be not so indifferent, I guess.

I studied Photography in college. I must have taken thousands of photographs by now, developed hundreds. Even though I haven't processed film in months, sometimes I think the smell of the chemicals still lingers on me.

What I am saying is, there are so many photographs that have made me happy. The walls of my bedroom are covered in images that have appealed to me. Scattered on my floor, lie more. I must be as nostalgic as they come. I've often found myself tracing my finger over a face in a photograph and trying to remember how the skin felt under my fingertips at that moment.

I suppose the photographs that mean the most to me are those taken of the people I love, the people I have loved in the past. I think that must be the way with everyone.

Once again, I'm guilty of dancing around the question and giving no straight answers. Here are some photographs that would make me smile :

My very wonderful bestie, Darragh. Words cannot express how much this guy means to me. He has been there for me, no matter what, and that is really saying something because there are (a lot of!) times when I'm not the easiest person to be around. <3

This little beauty, my friend Ellens daughter. I took this photograph one day when myself and the wee lady went for a drive. This is her sitting in the back of my car when we were taking a break. She brightens up the dullest of days. I love colouring with her, watching cartoons, making porridge and cuddles. I don't think she will ever cease to amaze me. She is perfect.

My girl bestie, Katie. I lived with Katie for a year and we've still managed to remain friends so I suppose that sums it up! I share my Kinder bars with her, it must be true love.

Post-It.

2010-03-28T22:11:00.003+01:00

I have a wee bit of an obsession with post-it's. I once brought a book home from the library and found a battered post-it in it which read, "Smile". That's all, but I smiled.

I write a lot of blogs about unhappiness, I think, so I do cherish every second of contentment. I lived with one of my best friends last year and we covered our apartment in post-it's. I miss finding a "You're cute" in the cereal box!

I sort of forgot how much one small, nice comment can brighten up your day. I find it really difficult to talk to people about things that matter (as I have said a million times!) and I don't actually know why. I wish I could communicate on tiny, coloured squares of paper - it'd be so much better.

06 - Whatever tickles your fancy.

2010-03-27T00:43:00.010Z

So... a few photographs from the last week of my life. Looks pretty fun, but everything is just a hazy blur of moments for me. Monday - drunk. Tuesday - not drunk because I was at home with my mum. Wednesday - drunk. Thursday - drunk. Friday - drunk. It's now the early hours of Saturday morning and guess what? Yup, drunk.

I haven't been to sleep since Wednesday, not for any time longer than half an hour anyway. All I've been doing is getting drunk, stoned and floating.

I baked pink buns with my friends. In a bucket. We put in bananas, marshmallows, a few Galaxy bars, cocoa powder, nuts... Whatever we found in the house really. Tasted so bad and the mess was HUGE. The next morning was a serious case of, "What were we thinking?".

The rest of the week was a mixture of spinning around the sitting room, trying to find the energy to make it to the shop for Lucozade and Vogue's, telling huge secrets at 4am, lying on the balcony and thinking, "What do I need to do to make this stop?".

I'm just so tired but when I lie in bed, I can't sleep. The others have been falling asleep and I wander around between passed out bodies and wonder why I can't be the same. I mean, how long is it actually possible to stay awake for? Everything hurts at this stage, physically.

It's kind of odd how deceiving looks can be. They say a picture says a thousand words, but often they're the wrong ones. I think from the outside looking in, it seems like I've had a cool, carefree week. I think I've just realised tonight that somehow, somewhere, my life completely spiraled out of control. I have no idea who I am anymore, and that's scary.

If you don't know who you are, how can anyone else know you? I feel like that. I can't stop pushing people away 'cause I don't know the right things to say. All I know is that I need someone, I need someone strong enough for the push 'cause I'm never going to get out of here by myself.

Soundtrack for the week...

And I Was A Boy From School...

2010-03-24T02:59:00.002Z

This is an acoustic version of the song 'And I Was A Boy From School' by Hot Chip. Just thought I'd share it because it's really lovely and I can't stop listening to it.

"I got, I got lost, You said this was the way back. I got, I got lost."

♥

05 - Your Favourite Quote.

2010-03-24T01:07:00.002Z

I think we might have established by now that I find it extremely difficult to pick a favourite anything! I could never pick a favourite quote though. You see, I love quotes. I highlight sentences that appeal to me in books, rewind bits of movies so I can write down narrative word for word. I'm not sure what it is.

I feel really hard. I'm either indifferent or I'm a hundred per cent in love, a hundred per cent hurt. I don't like anything to be done by halves. I like intensity. I want to feel everything deep down. I want my life to be filled with moments where the emotion is so strong that I feel like I might be swept away.

I seem to have a problem with expressing my emotion to others though. I always feel like "I love you" is just too small a phrase. It's just three words. It doesn't say, when you leave, I lie on your side of the bed, just to see if I can feel the exact spots where you nestled into sleep. It's three words.

I like quotes, because I'm always searching for better ways to tell people how I feel. I could never pick a favourite because as long as people keep talking, keep writing, I'll keep highlighting, I'll keep copying and pasting.

I feel kind of guilty for not giving any straight answers to these blogs, so here are a few quotes that I think are nice. (:

"You can't edit a blank page"

"Words are like nets - we hope they'll cover what we mean, but we know that they can't possibly hold that much joy, or grief, or wonder" - Jodi Picoult.

Love Hearts.

2010-03-20T19:26:00.004Z

"I don't mean to close the door, But for the record, my heart is sore.

Corny movies make me reminisce. Break me down easy on this generic love shit.

First kiss frog and princess."

I am loving this song at the moment. The first time I heard it, it sent little chills up and down my spine. I was kind of seeing a guy, once upon a time... I liked him. I didn't like him the way I liked most things. I liked him in a way that made my tummy feel a little bit funny and when he kissed me, everything else fell away.

He bought me those Love Heart sweets. I bought them for him too. We worked together and when we'd get breaks, we'd go to the shop, buy the sweets and then as we walked past each other, we'd swap. I never ate any of them. Is that a bit strange? I knew he wouldn't be around forever, and you know, maybe the sweets won't be either, but I can hold on to them for a while longer. Sometimes, I need to remember that perfection can happen.

"I'ma shake you off though, Look back with no remorse."

DTR - Defining The Relationship!

2010-03-19T15:58:00.003Z

"Look, we don't have to put a label on it. That's fine. I get it. But you know, I just... I need some consistency."

"I know."

"I need to know that you're not gonna wake up in the morning and feel differently."

"And I can't give you that. Nobody can."

I've always felt that people sort of expected consistency. They liked you, you liked them, and then they wanted promises and they wanted you to say the no matter what's. Why can't two people ever just like each other and have fun liking each other? Are the "What are we doing?" conversations necessary? I find it a bit disheartening when someone asks me that. I thought we were just liking each other, I thought we were having fun.

Life changes people. One day you might be liking someone, and having fun, the next, well, things can just change. Don't ruin the little moments by trying to define them.

""

2010-03-19T02:42:00.002Z

"Better to write for yourself and have no public than to write for the public and have no self."

.

2010-03-16T15:12:00.006Z

He nestled up against her as he slept. His breath on the back of her neck. She wondered how it was possible to be so close to someone but at the same time so far away. He knew how she liked her coffee in the morning and that she liked to read the newspaper first so she could smudge out all the bad bits to make the world that little bit more perfect. He knew that without her, he'd look in the mirror and not see himself anymore, for she was part of him. She would die for him, she'd said so before, but as she lay beside him, she knew she couldn't live for him too.

She turned and noticed that he had awoken. "How did you know that I was the one you wanted?", she asked him. She expected him to look surprised, to ask why.

"When we met, it was raining. I walked the whole way home and didn't feel a single drop on my skin. With you in my life, it's always sunny".

"I'm leaving", was her reply, and she got out of bed. He had often thought that all of the most momentous moments in your life happened when you were too busy concentrating on what you thought was coming. When they'd first met, it had been at a party. He hadn't wanted to go because he was studying for an exam. He failed the exam, but looking back he was glad because he'd gained the love of his life.

Blah blah blah, to be continued, maybe...

Mother's Day.

2010-03-14T12:31:00.003Z

It has often been said that there is only one person in this world you can't possibly lie to, and that person is yourself. It takes two people to make a lie work, the person who tells it and the one who believes it. I can lie to myself though.

For years and years, I thought I was completely detached from you. I always held you at arms length. When I felt that maybe you were getting that little bit too close, I stepped back. Did you know that I really wanted to hear stories about when you were a little girl? I wanted to hear about your hopes and dreams. I wanted to be able to hug you. I couldn't. I'd convinced myself I didn't need you. I've always been so independant because I've always been so lonely.

When you fear that someone is going to turn and walk away from you, I think it's that little bit easier to do it first. I left you behind over and over, never because I didn't want you in life, only because I was couldn't bear to watch you leaving me. I leave first so that I can never be left.

Love is a bit like jumping off a cliff and knowing that there is going to be someone there to catch you. I've probably jumped off thousands of cliffs. You've caught me every single time. I want to say thank you. I want to tell you that I'm sorry for not noticing. I want to jump off a million more cliffs, just so we can be closer.

Happy Mother's Day, mum. Don't be afraid to jump, because I'm always going to catch you too.

And I miss you.

2010-03-12T12:10:00.003Z

Grief. It's a strange thing. I've heard that it gets easier with time. I don't think it does. Seconds pass, and turn into minutes, and then you're minutes further away from the last time you heard her voice, the last time her hand felt warm in yours. The time between you and her, it's flung apart like an ocean. Grief doesn't get easier, you just get so used to the ache, that it's part of you, like the freckles on your skin.

I've always been scared of being left behind. Scared that I'd forget. What if I wanted to picture you in my mind, but I parted your hair on the wrong side? The scary thing about losing the people you love the most is that often it happens when you don't expect it. If I'd known the last time I saw you was the last time, would I have been able to think of anything better to say than, "Thank you"? Thank you for being you.

I could never say goodbye to you. I have memories of you and I. Sometimes, I think that if I took all of those memories, maybe I'd be able to stretch them to forever. I could never say goodbye to you, because part of you, well, it must be part of me. You taught me everything I know really, and everything I learned by myself, I only learned from loving you, and missing you.

2010-03-08T22:49:00.000Z

Have you ever had a fight with somebody; a really, really, big fight, and in a haze of anger, hit them with the bullet, "Yeah, well you don't know me at all"?! I have. It's my defence mechanism. Most people, they look at me and I can almost see the questions in their eyes. They look at me and they want to ask me a hundred things. They don't though, because these people, they all know my reply will be a simple, "I don't know". These people, they want to know me, but eventually, I guess they just realise that they can't.

I've only ever met one person who, upon the meeting of our eyes, doesn't look at me like I'm a puzzle he needs to solve. He looks at me and I don't feel like I need to explain. It terrifies me. My mind is screaming at me to run, but every second he looks at me, every moment his lips touch mine, I can't think.

I can't ever tell him that he doesn't know me, because even though I haven't given him all the pieces to make the jigsaw, he's brought his own pieces... And they fit. I'm terrified because if there's one thing I do well, it's thinking, and he has made me stop. I don't think anymore, I feel.

One Mistake.

2010-03-08T00:14:00.001Z

You hear a lot that children make mistakes. I really don't think we make any less as we get older. It's not easy to talk about the things you've screwed up. It's easier to blame them on other people. It's easier to say that you were tired, or that you'd had too much to drink.

I make mistakes. Often, before they're even made, I can play them in my mind like video tapes. Have you ever tripped? You know that feeling as you're falling? You're thinking, this is gonna hurt and wondering how badly. That's how I feel about making mistakes. You see, lately, I've been screwing up, and I've been screwing up badly.

It's hard to explain. I'm sitting completely still, but I constantly feel like I'm running. People are desperately chasing after me, they're reaching for me and I see them and more than anything, I want to slow down, I want to stop and reach back, but I can't. There have been so many times when I've been held in someone's embrace, and I wonder as they're holding me, can they feel the cracks? Do they know that I'm broken into tiny pieces, or is that just on the inside?

Over and over, I promise. I smile and say that I'll take care of myself. I nod and agree when they say it'll be different this time, better. These are my mistakes. I can't keep promising I'm going to be happy and I can't keep hearing that things will get better. Promising, hearing - they just make the hours I spend in the bath feel even longer, I become numb to the chill in the water.

You hear a lot that children make mistakes. I think they make only one. Growing up.

04 - Your Favourite Book.

2010-03-07T00:45:00.001Z

"And the people in photographs always seem a lot happier than you are". Photography - the art of capturing a moment and the power to hold it forever in your hand. Of course it was something I'd be interested in. It was bound to be, I think. Some people are happy. Some people don't worry, they don't ask 'Why?'. I'm not happy, I'm not happy by nature. That's why Photography captured my heart. I guess I think it's important for me to hear that click, to smell those chemicals and to spend hours in the dark. That's how I know I'm happy, how I know those around me are content. No one wants to capture the sadness.

'The Perks of Being a Wallflower', by Stephen Chbosky. It's my favourite book, not for the above quote alone, although it was almost enough to win me over. Charlie, the narrator of the story, I can relate to him - being an unconventional thinker. I hate re-reading books. I read a book once and then file it away, in my mind and in my, you could almost say library at this stage. With this book though, you can read it from a different angle every time. I've read it six times. Yes, I counted, and each time, I found another little gem of inspiration. That's what writing should be - tiny fragments of brilliance, hidden away in black and white, waiting to be uncovered.

"I was looking at the old photographs, and I started thinking that there was a time when these weren't memories". Sometimes I look at photographs when it feels like happiness has just gotten that little bit too far away. I can hold a photograph in my hand, hold a smile and know that there was really a time when everything was good. That makes it easier to believe it will happen again.

03 - Your Favourite Television Programme.

2010-03-06T02:12:00.001Z

So, I'm the type of writer who, when I write, I pour. My thoughts - they spill, a methodical tapping of the keyboard. It's in real life, that's where the problem is. If someone asked me, "What are you thinking?", as people often do, I'd shrug and say, "I dunno". It's not that I don't know. I'm probably thinking a thousand things all at once and I'm just too afraid that if I start talking... I'll never stop. If I tell you that I'm thinking when you look at me like that, it makes me wish I was someone else entirely just so I could sleep, only to wake up next to you, would you stop looking?

Ask me what my favourite television show is, I'll name you countless. I'll tell you why I like them. In real life, I can talk about these kind of things, no problem. For now though, I'm just gonna shrug and say, "I dunno".

I love you.

2010-03-05T22:31:00.000Z

I've often sat on the sidelines of conversations and listened as friends of mine discussed love. How much they loved The Cure, how in love they were with their latest boyfriend. I've heard people say, "Oh, love, it's just a word, it doesn't mean anything". I've been on buses and overheard people ending phone calls with, "I love you". I've received cards and letters, all casually signed with love. Just four letters, side by side and I can almost guarantee, not a shred of thought or feeling behind them.

I'm a thinker, an over-thinker. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out what love means to me. Today I found out. Everything.

Today, my mum told me that she loves me. Today. For the first time, ever.

I don't love The Cure, or any guy who I'm gonna kiss for a few weeks and cry over into my cereal. I've never ended a phone call with "I love you". Love. I've been waiting to hear it for twenty years and it was worth every single second.

Insomnia.

2010-03-04T02:24:00.001Z

There are different kinds of people. That's pretty obvious. I'm reliable. If you tell me your birthday, I'll remember it. I'm compassionate. I hurt because other people are hurting. I'm passive, and I think, and I wonder. I wonder does anyone ever remember the things I've told them? Does anyone ever hurt because I'm hurting?

When you become the person everyone relies on, I think you must become invisible too.

I can't sleep. It's 2:35am and I'm wide awake, and this is a perfectly normal occurrence. I don't know what it is, but I can't sleep. So I stay up all night. I read, I write, sometimes I just lie in the darkness and hours slip away and the room gradually descends into light. When I physically can't be awake anymore, then I sleep.

At 10am on Tuesday morning, just as my exhausted mind was finally going still, there was persistent banging on my front door. My best friend. She is well aware of my sleeping habits. So, I wonder. I wonder am I the only one who thinks of other people before myself?

It can get difficult, you know? Always being the strong one, always putting on a brave face. "It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them" - Alex Karras. I'm always the strong one. I'm that listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. I have an endless supply of chocolate biscuits. I also have an endless supply of weaknesses. When I said I build walls, I meant really, really big one's. I never reveal the things that hit me the hardest.

I guess, alongside my 30 named blogs, I'm writing this blog to reveal my insecurities. We'll call it a courage building exercise. I read somewhere that, "Mastering others is intelligence, mastering yourself is true power", so even if no one reads this, it'd be nice to know true power. I'd like to know that I'm more than just a crutch to lean on.

02 - Your Favourite Movie.

2010-03-03T14:57:00.001Z

Me and movies, hmm... I'm that person who has seen a million movies, but who hasn't seen any of the biggies. I've never seen Lord of the Rings, or Star Wars, or any of the James Bond movies. I don't mind, I've never had a particular urge to watch any of these. The only time I think that maybe I'm missing out on something is when I meet a guy and we do the getting to know you chat and then I hear the familiar, "Oh, jesus, you have seen nothing"!

When it comes to movies, I like them to be the way I like everything else in life - full of meaning and straight from the heart. I don't particularly like happy endings either, that's the pessimist in me!

"I'm just a fucked up girl who's looking for her own piece of mind. Don't assign me yours." - Clementine, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. My favourite movie, and my favourite line from it.

I've always felt, in relationships, that people needed me. They weren't with me because when they pictured their life in twenty years, I was in it. It was never because curling up beside me in bed was like coming home. I was always just needed. One day, I realised being needed and being wanted, well, they're not same. When you're wanted, properly wanted, it doesn't matter if you're needed or not. And that's what I need, but more importantly, what I want.

I can't be the girl who fixes what others have broken before me. I can't promise forever. I can't hold anyone else's happiness in the palm of my hand. All I can give is me, and now.

If you haven't seen this movie, I'm not going to ruin it for you. I'm just going to suggest that you do watch it. I like it because for me, it is true love. Usually, in movies, two people meet and date and everything is perfect, and bright, and shiny. Love isn't like that. Clementine isn't like that. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind isn't like that. It's real. It's full of emotion. It is perfect, but in an entirely different, and I think, more wonderful way.

"I don't see anything I don't like about you."

"But you will. You will, and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped, because that's what happens with me."

"Okay."

03/03/'10

2010-03-03T00:18:00.000Z

I know I'm supposed to be doing 30 blogs, one a day for a month and this isn't sticking to the rules, but I guess seeing as this means more to me than most of the other junk I'll probably write, it deserves at least a few words.

On the third of March, 2007, three years ago today, I had a miscarriage. It's something I've held very close to me since, never even having told my parents, or more importantly, my grandad. Yes, it was an unplanned pregnancy. I was seventeen.

I remember the day I found out, I remember the exact moment. It was strange. I'd spent my whole life answering the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", with, "A mammy!" and now that was gonna happen... But I wasn't grown up.

I burst into tears. I was scared, but I never really saw it as a negative thing. I mean, sure, I was in college and I wanted to be a psychologist, but I'd only wanted to do that for a while. I'd wanted a baby for as long as I could remember.

I suppose, due to the fact that I grew up without that motherly bond and affection most people have, I always wanted to experience it in some way. As a child, I even wrote myself notes, things to do when I had my own baby. I figured when people got older they were only interested in money and boring things. I found the book I wrote in a while back. "Don't get boring, don't talk on the telephone, play Barbies". I think I would have been a pretty cool mum!

On the second of March, 2007, I woke up and went to the bathroom. I was bleeding.

Holles Street. Sat around for ages. I don't remember much of what happened really. My boyfriend and his mum were there. They were both trying to keep me positive. I tend to zone out and build walls when I fear I'm about to get hurt though. I closed myself off completely from them. Don't think I said more than two words in all the hours we were there. I was sent home, and given an appointment for a scan the next week.

That night, I collapsed in the bathroom. My boyfriends brother rang an ambulance. All I remember is lying on the floor, with blood everywhere, while Mark stood at the door, in utter shock and stated his reason for calling an ambulance as, "My brothers girlfriend, she is bleeding... From eh, the vagina". (Have to laugh at that now!)

I was in hospital that night, all by myself. Seventeen, miscarrying, scared and alone. I didn't sleep one wink. I lay there listening to 'This Woman's Work' by Kate Bush on repeat on my i-pod. I kept thinking, "Maybe the baby will be ok", or, "Maybe the baby is alive still and these are the last few moments I have". So I stayed awake to hang on for every second.

The next morning, during an examination, the doctor said I could be discharged. No one had actually told me I'd lost the baby so I said, "Is everything ok, then?".

"Did no one tell her this wasn't a viable pregnancy?", was his reply. He didn't even speak to me.

You know how people sometimes say, "Oh, I can still hear his voice". Well, I can still hear his. I remember the smell of the sheets on the bed I slept on. I remember the ultrasound, no flickering heartbeat, just black and fuzzy, like a television with no aerial. I remember lying in bed for the next few days and although my boyfriend was curled so tightly around me, he might as well have been a million miles away. I build walls, and even though they're invisible, sometimes I think they must be stronger than any walls anyone could ever build with brick.

It's kind of hard when no one really knows you though, so this is me breaking a wall. I'm letting you in. I'm remembering, and I'm grieving, but I'm not gonna do it alone again.

01 - Your Favourite Song.

2010-03-02T15:52:00.001Z

I'm one of those people who shriek, "Oh! My! God! This is my favourite song, EVER!", every time a song I like comes on the radio. I know, I know. I have a different favourite song every week. I'll listen to it on repeat, over and over. I'll press rewind without even noticing. It becomes the soundtrack to my life. I mean, I can hear a song and moments of my past will suddenly be flashing before my eyes. People, places - anything and everything that means something to me has a song to go along with it.

There is one song, however, which I listen to every day without fail. It's funny because it's a song which means a lot to me, but if it ever came on the radio, well, I wouldn't say anything. I'd just listen.

"I Hope You Dance"

I don't think there are enough words to actually sum up how much this song means to me. I suppose anyone who knows me knows that I am exceptionally close to my grandad, as I was to my granny, who passed away in 2001.

My mum, she was diagnosed with depression after I was born and so my grandparents looked after me. I was extremely lucky. They were amazing and I couldn't have hoped for two more perfect people to look up to.

Anyway, I, unfortunately never had that mother - daughter bond and after the death of my grandmother, well, I didn't really have a female role model. There were years of myself and my mum barely speaking, not out of hostility, it was just like being in a room with a stranger. I guess we were strangers.

One night, a good few years ago now, but I'll never forget it, we were home alone together and she asked me to come into the sitting room. She played this song for me. She said she'd found it and had listened to it every day since. That she'd always wanted to say sorry, but "Sorry will never be enough, so when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance. 'Cause when you sit it out, you miss what matters".

Since then, we've become good friends. While we don't have a typical mother - daughter bond, we've accepted that and it's ok. I still call her 'mam' and she still tells me to "Be careful" in the voice that only a mother can do.

When I hear this song, some days my heart breaks. Some days, I feel sorry for myself. Mainly, I feel sorry for my mum. I can't imagine how hard it was for her to feel like she was missing out on something as special and as wonderful as bonding with her child. Some days, I listen to it and think, "You know what, it's ok. I didn't run to her when I fell and scraped my knees as a kid and she never read me stories at bedtime, but I still have a mother and one who has hopes for me and that's enough".

30 Blog Challenge!

2010-03-02T15:07:00.000Z

So, I'm going to write thirty blogs, using the titles below. I'm not going to say one blog a day, because that probably won't happen, but I'll see what I can do.

Day 01 → Your favorite song

Day 02 → Your favorite movie

Day 03 → Your favorite television program

Day 04 → Your favorite book

Day 05 → Your favorite quote

Day 06 → Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 07 → A photo that makes you happy

Day 08 → A photo that makes you angry/sad

Day 09 → A photo you took

Day 10 → A photo of you taken over ten years ago

Day 11 → A photo of you taken recently

Day 12 → Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 13 → A fictional book

Day 14 → A non-fictional book

Day 15 → A fanfic

Day 16 → A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

Day 17 → An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

Day 18 → Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 19 → A talent of yours

Day 20 → A hobby of yours

Day 21 → A recipe

Day 22 → A website

Day 23 → A YouTube video

Day 24 → Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 25 → Your day, in great detail

Day 26 → Your week, in great detail

Day 27 → This month, in great detail

Day 28 → This year, in great detail

Day 29 → Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days

Day 30 → Whatever tickles your fancy